


Nothing Stays the Same

by momentsintimex



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Gen, HIV diagnosis, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, fix-it for s4 finale, justin getting the support he deserves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:54:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26072245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentsintimex/pseuds/momentsintimex
Summary: Lainie is a worrier.Out of an abundance of caution for her new son and his physical health, she insists on a full physical, including blood tests.None of them could have been prepared for the news they receive.--or Justin is diagnosed with HIV, flipping his life upside down and altering the way he had planned to live it.
Relationships: Justin Foley & The Jensens
Comments: 121
Kudos: 85





	1. Caution.

Lainie is a worrier.

She always has been, which makes her think it’s in her blood. But, Clay had done nothing over the first 17 years of his life that made her worry less. In fact, it had only heightened over the last two years, when Hannah Baker’s death sent her eldest into a tailspin, the tapes turning into a trial against the school, which resulted in Clay’s mental health suffering.

Things started looking up with Justin around. Justin and Clay bonded. Brother squabbles turned into laughter, shared interests turned into hobbies for the boys to do together, and, when Justin was put into juvenile detention for six months following the trial, Clay didn’t hesitate in agreeing to his parents plan of wanting to bring Justin into their lives permanently.

The emergency custody to have Justin released into their care turned into adoption forms and social worker visits, which resulted in in meetings and paperwork Matt and Lainie would do for hours if it meant bringing Justin into their lives forever.

When Justin is released from juvenile detention and the adoption is finalized after a lengthy process, Lainie makes him a doctor’s appointment that features full bloodwork and a look at any sort of ailment that had been listed in his CPS file.

Justin argued, attempting to convince her that the CPS files were over with, that there was nothing lingering that hadn’t been fixed before. He was healthy, nothing was bothering him, and the weight he’d lost in jail would be gained back with Matt’s cooking, he promised.

And then Lainie brought up the drug use, and all of Justin’s arguments quieted. Because he was using needles that he got from strangers, and he didn’t always know where people got the drugs in the first place, and yes, he was clean now, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have an infection hiding that hadn’t presented any symptoms.

Justin hadn’t even admitted to the sex work he did while homeless. So he shuts up, nodding along to Lainie’s requests.

“So, humor me with the full physical and the bloodwork. For our own peace of mind,” She counters. “And when it’s all said and done, I’ll be okay with yearly physicals.”

“Okay, fine,” He agrees, ignoring Clay sitting smugly beside him, celebrating the thought of him not having to go through the same thing.

When Justin tosses a pillow at his face, he’s not reprimanded, and Justin swears he sees Matt stifle a laugh.

—

The pediatrician, Dr. Graham, is nice and warm and explains everything he’s doing to Justin before he does it, which Justin is grateful for. He humors him with a lollipop, which Justin doesn’t hesitate in receiving, and, after giving Lainie the form to get the bloodwork done, smiles at both of them. “I’ll call if we’d like to see you again after the blood test results are delivered. Keep taking care of yourself, Justin.”

Justin thanks him, walking across the medical campus with Lainie. “How insistent are you on this bloodwork?” He asks around his lollipop, earning amused eyes from Lainie. “Okay, so there’s like, no budging on doing it? Not even doing it later?”

“What’s the point of putting it off?” She asks. “We’re here now. We’ll get it done today, and then it’s over with. If we wait, then we’ll have to come back. You’ll want to do it less then.”

“Do you like being right all the time?” Justin asks, holding the door open for her as they walk into the office. She laughs, ushering him to a chair while she checks in with the receptionists. “I was being serious, by the way.”

Lainie sits down, setting her bag on her lap. “I’m not always right, Justin. In fact, I think you’ll find that I can be wrong a lot of the time. You just haven’t seen it yet.”

“Okay,” Justin smiles. “How long does this take?”

“A few minutes, and then we’ll go home and you can work on that math packet I know you’ve been neglecting.”

Justin rolls his eyes, re-situating himself in the chair.

For as much as Clay grumbled about having a helicopter mom who always knew his homework and his schedule and wanted to make sure he had everything done, Justin welcomes it with open arms.

He’s never had someone like this. Someone who cared about something as simple as homework. So he welcomes it, begs for it almost, and doesn’t get upset when Lainie is insistent that he get his things done in a timely fashion rather than putting it off.

The phlebotomist, Angela, is an older woman who’s soothing and talks to Justin the entire time she’s taking blood. “Most kids don’t like to watch me put the needle in,” She smiles idly as she inserts it, Justin’s careful eyes on hers.

It gives him that feeling of getting high again. He’s almost waiting for the effects, the hit, but it doesn’t come.

Instead he watches his blood drip out into tubes, capped and placed on the counter beside Angela as Lainie watches from afar. He watches as Angela holds gauze to the crook off his elbow, taping a new piece of gauze after a few minutes. “Leave that on for a few hours to make sure the bleeding has stopped,” She smiles, patting his arm.

“You’re good to go. We’ll send the results to your doctor, and they’ll be in touch should they need to discuss the results with you.”

Justin thanks her, standing up and looking back at Lainie. “Is it normal to feel lightheaded?” He asks, unable to hide his smile when Lainie looks at him in concern. “I’m just kidding, I just wanted to see if you’d think I was being dramatic.”

“Stop,” Lainie says, biting back a smile. “You survived, it’s over with, and now we can go home and worry about no more doctor’s appointments for the foreseeable future.”

—

Normally, Lainie thinks she or Matt would’ve stepped in when Justin pulls his most elaborate pity party and Clay gets annoyed, but it’s harmless and both of them can’t help but be amused.

“I think you have to get me a drink because I had half my blood taken today and I shouldn’t get up and down too many times. The papers they gave us also say no heavy lifting.”

Clay rolls his eyes, but stands up anyway. “You had a few tubes of blood taken, Justin. You can’t keep playing this game all day.”

“Why not?” He counters, looking back across the kitchen. “You should’ve seen how many tubes of blood they took. Pretty unnecessary if you ask me. I mean, I am using that blood.”

“You’ve survived the rest of the day without it. I think you’ll be fine,” Clay says, setting a glass of lemonade in front of him.

“You didn’t even ask me what I wanted to drink.”

“Justin,” Lainie warns, hiding a smile.

“Sorry,” Justin says, turning back to Clay as he sits down beside him. “Thank you, Clay. For being the best brother and getting me a drink in my time of need.”

“Are you always this insufferable after anything minor?”

Justin shrugs, leaning forward to eat his dinner again.

—

Matt revels in the quiet hours of the night. He gets most of his work done then, the boys retreating to the outhouse while Lainie catches up on cases or miscellaneous work.

Tonight is no different. He and Lainie work in silence in the living room, and, when Matt finishes his lesson plans for the week, he turns to his wife. “Did everything go okay at Justin’s doctor appointment?” He asks. “Other than the clearly taxing task of having blood drawn.”

Finishing up her thought, Lainie looks over to her husband. “Everything went well,” She nods. “He was running a small fever, but he insisted he felt fine and Dr. Graham backed that up, stating that the fever didn’t seem like anything to be concerned about given his glands felt fine. He’s underweight, which we knew, but Dr. Graham wasn’t concerned about him gaining it back. He’s now also caught up on his immunizations, and Dr. Graham didn’t see any breaks or bumps that didn’t heal correctly from the past abuse that we needed to be concerned about.”

“And the blood tests?”

“He ordered a full blood draw,” Lainie sighs. “For one, Justin couldn’t recall the last time he had been to see a doctor, and the file that CPS had was incomplete and showed that he had missed most of the last few immunization rounds. Two, with his history of IV drug use and being homeless, we agreed it would be better to be safe than sorry. And it’ll give us a baseline for any further tests that he would need in the future.”

Nodding, Matt chews on the lid of his pen. “Did Dr. Graham seem concerned about anything showing up on the blood tests?”

Lainie hesitates, setting the file in her hands down. “He told us to prepare for the blood tests to not be perfect,” She admits. “Justin was getting high while homeless using whatever means possible. He admitted that he was using needles that weren’t explicitly his.”

“You don’t think —“

“I don’t want to think about it,” She says, cutting him off. “I think if I keep worrying about what could show up on these tests, I’m going to drive myself into an early grave.”

Matt nods, tapping his pen against his teeth. “How is Justin? Does he seem nervous?”

“You know Justin,” Lainie smiles, shrugging. “He was his normal self. Like whatever Dr. Graham said about possible infections or issues wasn’t even on his radar as being a big deal. He joked about making the appointment for later instead of doing it immediately, was slightly dramatic after the blood draw, but didn’t once say that he thought something bad would show up. I just kept holding onto hope that he would stop deflecting. That maybe he’d talk about it in the car, or when we had a moment alone waiting for the phlebotomist. And then he never said anything, and I’m not sure it’s something you and I can just bring up.”

Sighing, Matt nods. He wishes they could talk to Justin about it, be candid about how he’s feeling or even give them an inkling that he was worried about what could happen, but he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. Justin is still guarded, still struggling with sharing his feelings, and it seems almost counterintuitive to press Justin to speak when they always told him they would be waiting and let him be the one to initiate the conversations.

“All we can do is keep saying that we’re here if he wants to talk. He doesn’t need to hide how he’s feeling from us. But we can’t force him to talk.”

Lainie nods. The two of them let the silence fall once more, and then, just as Matt finishes prepping a quiz for his class in a few days, Lainie speaks up.

“Matt, what if something serious does come back on these blood tests?” She asks. There’s fear evident behind her words, a genuine worry for the son they never thought they would have. Talking about his past was so traumatic that often times she avoided the thoughts or the topic all together. But now, forced to face it head on as if they’re walking into the eye of a storm, Lainie doesn’t think she knows how to cope. “What if he’s sick or there’s something seriously wrong? How will we get through that? How will we get _him_ through that?”

For the first time in a while, Matt feels like he doesn’t have answers. “I don’t know,” He confesses. “All I know is that if there is something wrong, we’ll get him the best care possible, we’ll make sure he knows he has all the support in the world, and that we are not going to make him go through anything alone.”

Lainie nods, chewing on the inside of her lip. “But for now, we think positive. We pray that Justin’s blood tests will come back normal, that we can get him to gain back the weight that he’s lost, and after all of this, we can move on with our lives.”

Matt nods. “Everything will be okay,” He assures her.

When they go to bed that night and Lainie inches closer, reaching out her hands for his, and Matt doesn’t question it.

He squeezes a little tighter, a reassurance for both of them.

—

Matt and Lainie have come to welcome the chaos the evenings bring.

Justin, who comes home starving from basketball practice every afternoon, annoys Clay as they work on homework together at the dining room table. Justin finishes his homework, only gets slightly annoyed when Clay corrects half of his math questions, and Matt somehow corrals them for dinner.

But tonight, over the chaos, Lainie hears the phone ring. She ignores the fight brewing at the dining room table over Justin’s English essay, leaves Matt to supervise, and takes the phone call in the kitchen.

Matt returns to the kitchen to finish dinner just as she hangs up. “I think I’ve settled the argument for now. Clay is still proofreading, but Justin gets to run the final edits by me instead. It’s a compromise both boys seem to be able to live with,” He says, smiling. Looking back at his wife on the way to the stove, he feels his smile fade. His wife, who had once been amused by the antics from their sons, now looks as if she’s seen a ghost. “Lainie, hon? What’s wrong?”

Lainie sits down at the kitchen table, pressing her feet firmly to the ground to steady herself. “That was the doctor’s office,” She mumbles. “They’ve made an appointment for Justin on Monday to go over his blood test results.”

Stirring the pasta, Matt looks back. “That doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything bad that we’re going to discuss. He’s underweight and a recovering heroin addict, Lain. We were prepared for something to be abnormal.”

Lainie shakes her head, swallowing the sick feeling in her stomach. “They asked you and I to both be with him.”


	2. Diagnosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin receives the news, Matt and Lainie make plans, and Justin tells Clay.

The doctors office almost feels suffocating this time around, Justin finds.

The exam room, painted with _Sesame Street_ characters, feels like it’s closing in on him.

And he’s really trying not to show it.

Since finding out that the doctor would like to meet with him, Matt and Lainie on Monday morning, Justin had been on pins and needles. He cancels all plans he had for Friday and Saturday, opting to watch movies with Matt and Lainie and insist that Clay still hang out with Ani like he had planned to.

He doesn’t bring up his nerves, or the anxiousness that leads to him barely sleeping. He knows Matt and Lainie are worried — he doesn’t think it takes a genius to figure it out — and he thinks maybe him vocalizing that he’s also worried would just make things worse.

But doctors don’t call their patients into their offices with both of their parents just to tell them good news, right?

In a weird way, he’s thankful that Matt and Lainie didn’t drag out some long speech about how whatever they find out this morning, everything would be okay. It’s empty words in the moment, at least in his mind, when it’s clear that they’re all nervous to hear the results.

Lainie’s busied herself with reading through her emails, a coping mechanism that Justin has come to know well. It’s almost as if she just buries herself in her work, everything else around them seems a little less daunting.

Matt’s been staring straight ahead. Justin knows that he thrives on facts. He likes having a plan, a stepping stone in place before they do anything. This is all uncharted, all so unknown, and his coping mechanism is to do nothing, at least to Justin. Maybe he’s planning for the unknown in his mind, maybe he’s holding onto a false hope that this is just a routine doctors checkup four days after he had the first one, but Justin doesn’t think he can be that positive.

There’s a knock on the door, startling all three of them. Dr. Graham walks in, his smile not quite as bright as it was the first time they had met. He shakes all three of their hands, sitting down. “I know you were just here, and while normally I would just speak to you about any blood test results over the phone, I felt it was important that we discuss your results in person.”

Justin nods, swinging his legs off the end of the exam table. He leans back just enough, chewing on his lip. “What’s wrong with me?”

Dr. Graham returns a polite smile, opening Justin’s folder. “While most of your bloodwork came back normal, unfortunately, there was one that didn’t,” He begins. “Justin, I’m afraid that your blood test shows that you are HIV positive.”

The air sucks out of the room. For a minute, Justin thinks he’s living in an alternate reality. The room spins, and in an effort to steady himself he leans back on his hand, running his fingers through his hair with the other hand.

Matt is staring blankly back at Dr. Graham.

Lainie looks like she’s about to sob.

“HIV can show up in a blood test 18 to 45 days after infection. It’s impossible to know when you were affected, but we can assume it was at some point when you were homeless. We don’t believe it would’ve been any time before that.”

Dropping his head, Justin nods. “I um, I used random needles. And I… people on the streets, they um, they did things that I didn’t always agree to. For money. So it probably came from there.”

Lainie _is_ crying now, Justin knows when he hears her sniffle. He wishes he could take the words back, that he admitted this anywhere but here, but it’s out in the air now and he doesn’t know what to do next.

“Where do we go next?” Matt asks.

“Am I going to die?” Justin blurts out. He finds the energy to pick up his head, looking directly at Dr. Graham with glassy eyes. “HIV is forever, right? So will this kill me now?”

“No, you will not die,” Dr. Graham says simply. “HIV is treatable. You will never be cured from the disease, but it is possible to have your viral load undetectable and live a normal life.”

“Okay, so how do we do that?” Justin needs answers. He needs concrete steps, just as Matt would, to make himself feel less anxious about all of this. He bites his lip until he tastes blood, desperate to not cry.

“I’m going to refer you to a doctor who specializes in HIV. You’ll be put on medication that you will need to take every day for the rest of your life. Your life will change with this diagnosis, but Justin, you will be okay.”

Justin takes a breath. _You will be okay._ “Okay,” He nods. “Thank you.”

Dr. Graham excuses himself from the room for a moment with the promise to be back in a few minutes with more information and a list of recommended doctors.

Justin waits until the door clicks closed before letting his emotions go, shoulders hunching as he breaks out into sobs. It’s Matt that gets to him first, pulling him tightly against his chest and rubbing his back.

“It’s okay, Justin. Let it out, kid. You’re okay,” He soothes, pressing a kiss to his hair. Lainie walks over, holding him as well, and together they cry, grieving Justin’s once normal health. It feels weird, maybe not appropriate, but Justin craves the comfort and for once, he lets himself be consoled when he needs it the most.

When Justin pulls himself from Matt’s embrace, he lets Lainie brush the pads of her thumbs under his eyes. “You are okay, Justin. We’re going to get you the best doctors, we’ll get you on medication, and we’ll get you feeling better,” She promises, leaning forward to kiss his forehead.

“I don’t want this,” He whispers, voice raspy and broken.

Lainie smiles sympathetically, and Matt, who hadn’t let go of Justin’s shoulder, squeezes gently. “We know you don’t, buddy,” Matt sympathizes. “But with time, we can get you down to undetectable. You can live with this, Justin. This isn’t a death sentence.”

Justin nods, rubbing at his eyes as Dr. Graham knocks again, coming back in. He hands Lainie a list, goes over the doctors and promises that he can still be his general doctor, and then turns back to Justin.

“We’ll get you on the right track, Justin. This disease is no longer a death sentence. I know there’s stigma surrounding HIV, but there doesn’t have to be. And you can live a normal, happy life, just as you would without HIV.”

“Thank you,” Justin says, standing up on shaky legs to leave the room.

He walks slowly out to the car in between Matt and Lainie, and when they let him know that he doesn’t have to go to school, he’s almost relieved.

He thinks he just needs to be alone.

—

After the initial shock of the diagnosis, Lainie spends the morning reading through the packets while Matt teaches an online lecture and Justin tries to take a nap. Lainie pours over doctor reviews and makes him an appointment with the top rated one for in a few days, praying they’ll have clarity and a deeper understanding of what Justin’s life will entail following the start of medication.

The packets had begun to make her head spin, and on a quick break, Matt takes them from her to read in his free time. “We’ll make it make sense,” He promised her with a quick kiss to the temple, disappearing back into his office to continue teaching his lectures.

Justin returns to the house for lunch. Lainie joins him in the kitchen, letting the quiet fill the room for a few minutes.

“I know that this is the last thing you want to talk about, but Justin, have you had sex with anyone since you’ve been with us? Before or after juvenile detention?”

Lainie waited until lunch to bring it up, looking back at her son who spent most of the meal picking at his food.

Justin is silent for a moment, and then looks up in horror. “Jess,” He whispers weakly. “I didn’t — do you think she has it?”

“We can’t speculate,” Lainie says quietly. “Were you two safe? Did you use a condom?”

Justin feels his cheeks redden. “Yeah, we did.”

“There’s a high chance that she won’t have it then,” She says. “Practicing safe sex is the most effective way to ensure that you don’t transmit the disease to anyone else. But, it’s important that you tell her she needs to get tested. The sooner the better.”

Justin nods. “I just want her and Clay knowing.”

Lainie nods. “That’s fine, sweetheart. You don’t owe anyone any explanations unless they are going to be at risk,” She reminds him. “But Justin, if Jessica has had sex with anyone else since you, she’s liable to ensure they also get tested.”

“Okay,” He whispers. Looking up, he stabs a piece of pasta harshly. “How am I supposed to tell them?”

Smiling sympathetically, Lainie folds her hands. “I think you need to tell them however you feel is fit. Would you like Matt or I to be there?”

“I don’t think so,” Justin answers after a moment. “It’ll feel too formal.”

“Okay,” Lainie nods. “Do you want to bring the packets with you? That Dr. Graham gave us?”

Contemplating, Justin shakes his head. “I think… I think I’ll just tell them simply before I psych myself out, and then if they have questions can I tell them that we can talk with you and Matt about it?”

“Sure,” Lainie smiles. “You’re more than welcome to tell Jessica here, privately of course, and if you have questions, we’ll be here and ready to answer whatever we can. We’ll also talk to you and Clay together after you tell him alone.”

Despite still feeling uneasy, Justin manages to nod. “I don’t want this to change things between me and them.”

“Justin, honey, it doesn’t have to,” Lainie reminds him gently. “You are no less of a person because you have this disease. You are still Justin. You are still smart, and funny, and charming, and HIV doesn’t take that away from you.”

Justin nods, finishes half of his lunch, and goes to lay on the couch in the sunroom.

Lainie waits until he falls asleep before covering him with a blanket, kissing his forehead.

They would get through this.

—

Clay arrives home in a rush, almost slamming the front door in an effort to get inside. Lainie shushes him, pointing into the sunroom where Justin lays still asleep.

“Is he okay?” Clay asks, quieter now. He sets his backpack down on the chair, staring at his mom, who had been working on a case at the dining room table. “I mean, he’s not in the hospital, so he must be okay, right?”

Lainie smiles, pulling her glasses down just enough to be able to look at her oldest child. “Justin would really like to tell you the news that he received at the doctors today himself,” She explains. “You don’t need to worry, everything will be okay. It’s just not my news or your father’s to tell.”

The reassurance does not make Clay feel any better. He glances into the sunroom, hoping he would find Justin awake.

“You’re not waking him up,” Lainie answers before Clay has a chance to say anything. “Go get a snack, work on your homework. He’s been asleep all afternoon, he’ll be awake soon.”

“It’s really hard for me to do anything when you’re being so cryptic,” Clay remarks, disappearing into the kitchen and returning with fruit. “Are you sure I can’t just wake him up?”

“‘m awake,” Justin says, sitting up and rubbing at his eyes. “You’re home already?”

“You slept all afternoon, sweetheart,” Lainie smiles.

Justin sighs, standing up and wrapping the blanket around himself. He walks into the dining room, staring at the table for a moment. “When you’re done eating, can we go outside and talk?”

“Yeah, sure,” Clay nods, picking up the pace eating. Justin sighs, tells him to slow down, and then follows him out to the backyard when Clay ignores his request and finishes his snack in record time.

For the first few minutes, Justin doesn’t say anything. He picks up a stick, dragging it across the step between his feet. He doesn’t know _how_ to say it, really, but he also hasn’t said it out loud since being diagnosed. And maybe that’s what scares him the most.

“Justin, whatever is going on with you, you can tell me. I want to help you, you know. I want to be there for you.”

“I know,” Justin says, strained. “I just… I haven’t said it out loud yet, okay?”

Beside him, Clay nods. “Take however long you need. I’m not leaving.”

Justin relaxes. It’s one of the things the Jensens have given him that he’s never had before — time.

So he waits a few more minutes. And when he feels like his heart is going to hammer out of his chest or he’ll be sick in the flowers Lainie spent a weekend planting, he forces himself to come out and say it.

“I have HIV.”

The sentence hangs in the air for a moment. To Clay’s credit, he doesn’t falter or wince or even suck in a breath. He just takes it in, nods, and turns to look at his younger brother. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Justin laughs sadly. “I’m going to be fine,” He clarifies when he senses Clay’s panic. “I’m going to see a doctor later this week, I’ll be on medication for the rest of my life, but we can get my viral load down to be undetectable. I just have to be more careful in life, but it’s not like… it’s not a death sentence.”

“But you’re scared.”

“Yeah, man,” Justin nods. “I’m fucking terrified, okay? I’m scared bout what people will think, what they’d say if they knew. I’m scared about being on medication for the rest of my life, about what my future will look like.”

“No one has to know,” Clay offers. “You don’t ever have to tell anyone.”

“I know,” Justin says. “Lainie already told me that it doesn’t have to be told to anyone unless they’re going to be impacted. And she also told me that we can go to her with questions, because I don't know anything. So if you have questions, I don’t need to be there for you to ask her.”

Clay nods. The silence fills between us, and, because he doesn’t know what else to say, Clay speaks up. “It’s going to be okay, Justin. We’ll figure it out. And you’re not alone in this.”

“I know,” He nods. “Thanks, bro.”

Leaning against Clay’s side, he sinks against his chest when Clay wraps his arm around his shoulders. “I love you,” Clay says, just loud enough for Justin to hear it.

Justin relaxes in his arms. “I love you, too.”

It will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for reading/leaving comments and kudos! i'm so glad you guys are enjoying this, and i can't wait to post the rest!
> 
> see you on Friday! <3 <3 <3


	3. Honesty.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin talks to Jess and Alex, and slowly they all start to come to terms with the diagnosis.

For all the planning and rehearsing that Justin had done in his brain and out loud with Clay, it all goes out the window when Jess is sitting on his bed opposite him, eyes kind and patient when she realizes he has something important to tell her.

They’ve been broken up a few months, and Justin remembers when having the outhouse to themselves meant having sex or making out at the very least. Now he can’t even think about that without wanting to vomit.

“I really don’t know how to tell you this,” He mumbles, shaking his head. He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, staring at his lap.

“Is everything okay with us?” She asks timidly.

Justin nods immediately, but can he even be sure of that? Was everything going to be okay once she knew?

“I just… you know how I went to the doctor last week? And had all the blood tests done to make sure I’m okay?”

Carefully, Jess nods. She furrows her eyebrows. “Is everything okay? Did they come back normal?” She asks, and then shakes her head. “Of course they didn’t, or we wouldn’t be sitting here right now.”

“Jess, I —“

“Justin, please just say what’s wrong,” Jess pleads, and Justin can tell she’s growing impatient with worry. He swallows roughly, squeezing his eyes shut and contemplating just asking Clay or Lainie or even Matt to just tell Jess, because maybe it’s the hardest to say to her.

“I have HIV,” He finally forces himself to say, refusing to look up at her. “And we don’t know when I was infected, probably when I was homeless, but either way, you and I have had sex since then.” His voice is strained, the tears building behind his eyes. “And I know we used condoms and we were safe, but I really need you to go get tested. I’ll go with you, if that’s what you want.”

Jess is silent for a moment, which goes on for what feels like hours in his mind. He sits there, picking at his sweatpants roughly, and stops when Jess leans over and puts her hand on his. “Justin,” She sighs sympathetically, which really just makes Justin feel worse. “I’ll get tested, of course,” She promises.

“Were you with anyone else since me?”

Jess leans back. “Alex,” She sighs. “He should probably get tested, just to be safe.”

“Okay,” Justin nods. He takes a breath, forcing himself to look up. “But I don’t want anyone else knowing. And I need to be the one to tell Alex.”

“Okay,” Jessica agrees. “He hasn’t been with anyone since me, so that’s all that has to know,” She assures him. “Are you okay?”

Justin takes a shaky breath. “I don’t know,” He admits. “I didn’t feel up to going to school today, so Lainie let me stay home. I have to go tomorrow, but I meet with a new doctor on Thursday and start medication that I have to be on for the rest of my life.”

“But you’ll be okay with medication, right?” She asks.

“I think so,” Justin nods. “My regular doctor mentioned that with medication my viral load would be undetectable,” He shrugs. “I don’t really know what that means, I haven’t had the energy to look through the packets, but Lainie said we could ask her any questions that we wanted.”

Jess smiles, reaching to brush a tear away from Justin’s cheek. “It’s okay, I don’t need an answer right now,” She promises. “But I’m not going anywhere, okay? As long as you want me around, I’ll be here. It’s not your fault that you have this, and you don’t have to be ashamed.”

Justin nods, smiling as he leans forward to hug her. “Thank you,” He whispers, holding her for a moment.

He feels the tension leave his body, for a moment relieved that Jess is so understanding that he doesn’t have to worry about losing another person in his life over something he couldn’t control.

—

Later that night, long after Jess had gone home and Clay retreated back into the house to shower, Lainie enters the outhouse. Justin had mustered up the energy to work on homework, reading through a book and writing down notes, glancing up when he sees her walk in.

“Just wanted to come check on you,” She smiles. “How are you feeling?”

It was a loaded question, really. He shrugs noncommittally, setting his pen down. “I don’t know. I feel fine, I just… it’s hard for me to think about.”

“I know,” She nods. Walking further into the room, she sits on the edge of his bed. “How do you feel about going to school tomorrow?”

“Fine,” He shrugs. “I have to go, right? I mean, I can’t avoid it forever. And no one can tell that anything is wrong with me.”

Smiling softly, Lainie nods. “There’s nothing outwardly wrong with you, and you’re right, you can’t avoid it forever,” She agrees. “But Justin, if for whatever reason you find it to be too difficult tomorrow, you can call me, okay? I’ll come get you and you can come home.”

“I have to miss part of Thursday, too. I’ll be okay, I can go for a full day.”

Lainie nods, looking apprehensive about the arrangements. “Do you have any questions since Jess left? I know you said she took it well, but I also know that questions probably came up. Clay had about a thousand after the two of you spoke last night.”

Justin rolls his eyes. “Of course he did,” He mumbles. He chews on the end of his pen, sighing. “What will it mean if my viral load is undetectable?” He finally asks. “I know that it’s a good thing, Dr. Graham kept saying it’s possible and it’ll happen with medication. But like, what would it mean?”

“It would mean that you wouldn’t be able to transmit the disease to anyone else,” She smiles. “You wouldn’t be cured, and going off your meds or altering them in any way would mean that your viral load could increase again, but it would become undetectable on blood tests. It’s the goal with managing this disease.”

Justin nods, letting it sink in for a minute. “So would I be able to have kids? Like, kids of my own?”

Lainie smiles wider, leaning forward to cup his cheek. “It would mean that should you want to, you could have kids of your own, yes. You wouldn’t be putting your partner’s life at risk, and you wouldn’t pass it onto your children.”

Lainie swears she can see the relief flow through him. He relaxes into her touch, smiling. “Even when you are undetectable, I expect you to continue practicing safe sex. I’d like grandchildren, but I’d like to know my boys are being safe in the moment for now.”

She laughs when Justin turns red, nodding quickly. “I know,” He says quickly, ducking his head away, moving to lay back down against his pillows.

Lainie waits, allows the silence to fill the room for a moment, and then turns back to her son. “What you said at the doctor yesterday, about what happened to you on the street,” She begins, holding her breath when Justin almost seems to curl in on himself. “You don’t have to tell me anything you aren’t comfortable telling me. But, do you want to talk about it?”

For a while, Justin doesn’t answer. He lays on his side, Lainie’s hand just next to his leg, and contemplates what to do next.

He knows he doesn’t have to say anything. Lainie never forces him to talk about issues he’s not ready to talk about. The Jensens respect that Justin needs time, that he’s healing from a lot, that he never has to feel like he needs to share something with them because they’ve asked about it.

But what happened to him on the streets changed his life forever. And he hasn’t spoken about it.

“If I talk about it, can it stay between the two of us?”

He doesn’t meet her gaze, but her tone indicates she’s smiling in understanding. “Of course, love. Anything you want to tell me stays between us.”

Justin nods, taking a breath. He stares at Clay’s bed until it blurs in his vision, chewing on his lip. “I was… I ran out of money pretty quickly. Staying in motels, buying drugs or food. I knew I wouldn’t survive if I was homeless — no one cares about a teenager on the streets, at least not anyone in Oakland,” He says quietly. “I knew the only way to get money or get drugs was to… to do things.”

“Guys would pay me to do things to them. Things we agreed on,” He says quietly, picking at his jacket. “But then sometimes they… they would do things that I didn’t want to do, or I didn’t agree to. It just — I was abused by my mom’s boyfriend when I was five, and it made me feel like I was back there again. They were touching me when and where I didn’t want to be touched and I couldn’t stop it and it was all my fault.”

Lainie takes a shaky breath, moving closer. “Can I touch your leg?”

Justin nods, wiping his eyes with the heel of his hand roughly.

Lainie rests her hand on his leg, watching him. “Justin, love, I am so sorry that happened to you,” She says quietly. “I know that doesn’t make it better. It doesn’t make the pain you’re feeling go away, but it shouldn’t have happened.”

“My love, you have to know that this was _not_ your fault. Do you understand me? Anything that happened to you, whether you were 5 or 17, was not your fault.”

Justin shakes his head, sucking in a breath. “I could’ve stopped it. I should’ve — I could’ve told someone, or stopped taking money and drugs for sex, or —“

“Or nothing,” Lainie finishes, giving Justin a kind look when he turns to look at her. “You were taken advantage of by men who knew better. You were doing what you thought was right to survive, but you were taken advantage of by men who did things you did not consent to.”

Justin leans up on his elbow. “No one knows about when I was little. I didn’t — I didn’t mean to bring it up.”

“We don’t have to talk about what happened when you were little right now, not if you’re not ready,” She assures him. “But I need to know you understand that what happened to you then or when you were on the streets was not something that you should be blamed for, or you should feel guilt for what happened.”

“You should’ve had people looking out for you. You deserved to have parents who had your best interests in mind. Who looked at you and wanted to protect you, especially when you were so young and couldn’t advocate for yourself. Those men on the street should have understood that you were a child. That you deserved to be able to give consent to anything they wanted to do. They should have spoken to you before they touched you anywhere you hadn’t agreed to. Anyone who you’re with intimately should talk to you before they do anything to you.”

There’s a beat of silence. “When you’re ready, I think you’d benefit from therapy,” Lainie says quietly. “You deserve to be free of the hurt you’ve been feeling. You deserve to be able to heal, Justin. And Matt and I, when you’re ready, will help you in whatever way that we can.”

“Okay,” Justin nods. He sits up, leaning against Lainie. “Thank you.”

“I am always here, okay? If you’re not ready to tell Matt or Clay, you can come to me. I don’t want you to bottle these things up, I don’t want you to feel like you need to keep all these feelings inside.”

Justin sucks in a breath, nodding quickly.

Lainie lets the moment sit for a minute, and when Justin pulls away, she stands and presses a kiss to his forehead. “I love you. I see you, and I’m going to do anything I can to help you. Get some sleep, love.”

“Love you, too,” He replies, watching her quietly leave the outhouse.

He sets his book back on his nightstand, and by the time Clay returns from his shower, he’s buried under the comforter fast asleep.

—

Alex listens to Justin speak quietly in the sitting area of the outhouse, folding his hands in his lap as he looks between Jess and Justin after Justin says that he has HIV.

“I’m telling you this because I know you and Jess have been together since she’s been with me,” He says carefully. “I’m not — I don’t want other people to know. At least not yet. You haven’t been with anyone other than Jess, right?”

“Right,” Alex nods. “Just Jess.”

“Okay,” Justin breathes, leaning back. “Can you keep it to yourself? For now?”

“Yeah, of course,” Alex nods immediately. “Thank you for telling me.”

Justin nods. “You deserve to know. If there’s any chance that you could have been infected, I’d want you to find out as soon as possible. There’s rapid tests you can take at an urgent care, and then you’d know immediately if you need to see a specialist or anything.”

Alex takes in the information, looking at Jess. She doesn't look as shocked, more just stuck in the middle, and he feels bad for her in a way. “If we get that far, obviously my mom would have to know.”

“She can know now if you want,” Justin offers. “I trust your mom, I know she wouldn’t tell anyone.”

Alex hesitates. “Are you sure?”

“Positive,” Justin nods. “Besides, it’ll probably be good for Lainie to have a friend who she can talk to about it. Your mom’s a nurse, so it’d be best of both worlds,” He smiles, lightening up the room.

“Do you need anything?” Alex asks after a minute, looking at Justin. “I don’t know what, but like… are you okay? Is there anything I can do?”

Justin nods. “I need you to treat me like normal,” He says. “I need you to act as if nothing is wrong with me. I’m the same Justin as before, there’s nothing that I can’t do because of this.”

“Okay,” Alex agrees. “Want to play video games? I’m not as coordinated as I used to be, but it’ll probably be entertaining for you.”

Justin laughs, agreeing immediately as Jess leans back to watch. Justin has hope that at least for a little while, everyone will just treat him normally when they do eventually find out.

He’s just a little more hopeful.

—

Dr. Walsh, an older man who’s kind and shakes all of their hands before taking a seat in the exam room and pulls his glasses from his pocket, explains HIV in great detail.

He talks through Justin’s counts, explaining thoroughly what all of them mean. Matt and Lainie listen intently, Lainie taking notes in a notebook she brought with her, and ask questions when Justin can’t even seem to manage to form words.

“We’re going to start you on a medication that will bring your viral load down and your CD4 counts up to help you maintain your HIV. Your CD4 counts help you fight off infections. You take the pill once a day with any meal, but it’s important that you’re consistent with when you take it,” Dr. Walsh explains. “If you decide you want to take it at dinner, you have to take it at dinner every day.”

Justin nods, folding and unfolding his hands repeatedly. “Are there side effects?”

“There could be,” Dr. Walsh replies, smiling softly. “Some of my patients who have been put on this medication have said that they felt more tired, a little sick at first, or even a little dizzy. Some have told me that they just felt like they had the flu for a few days, but had very little issues after.”

Lainie writes everything down. Matt studies his son, desperately wishing there were words he could say to comfort him, and Justin stares at his feet.

“Justin, you’re young, you’re pretty healthy given your circumstances, and you have a great support system. I know that this is a difficult diagnosis, but as long as you stay on your medication, you’re going to be okay. But, you have to let people help.”

“Okay,” Justin nods. He looks back up to Dr. Walsh, sighing. “Thank you.”

After Lainie asks a few more questions, Dr. Walsh turns to shake all of their hands. “I’ll see you back here in four weeks. We’ll check to be sure the medication is working, and we’ll answer any other questions you may have. But you can always call if anything comes up, or if you find that your side effects are too much to manage at home.”

“What if the medicine doesn’t work?”

“There’s plenty of medications we could try should this one not be the right fit. Sometimes this is give and take, but we’ll find the one that works.”

Dr. Walsh hands a few packets to Matt and Lainie, excusing himself from the room. Justin jumps off the exam table, following Lainie out with Matt trailing behind him. He half listens as Lainie makes him another appointment, and has never been so excited to feel the fresh air on his face than when they walk out of the medical offices, on their way back to the car.

“I know that this is scary and difficult and there’s a lot of things probably running through your mind, but we have a plan now, and soon it’ll start to take place,” Lainie offers, turning back to look at Justin. “Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling, love?”

Justin looks back at her, picking at a hangnail. “How soon can we start the medication?”

“I’m going to call insurance right after we drop you off at school, and I’ll try to pick it up today. We can start it tonight, if you’d like.”

Nodding, Justin leans his head against the window. “What if I forget to take it?”

“We’re going to help you with getting on a schedule. We’ll remind you to take it, but soon it’ll be second nature.”

Satisfied with the answer, Justin quiets. He almost welcomes them arriving to school, bidding both Matt and Lainie goodbye quietly as he slips out of the back seat. He’s aware that they watch him walk in, and, just before walking in the door, he turns back and waves.

He could do this.

—

Being back in a doctors office is hard for Justin when the appointment isn’t for him.

He bounces his leg in the seat beside Jess, who sets her hand against his knee. “You okay?” She asks quietly, aware of the older woman across from them watching curiously.

Justin nods, gripping the arms of the chair and leaning back.

“If you can’t handle being here, you can wait in the car.” It’s a nice gesture, Justin knows, but he can’t help but feel ridiculous that he can’t even handle sitting in doctor’s office with his ex-girlfriend while they wait for her to get tested for a disease he possibly gave to her.

“I’m fine,” He insists, but it’s less than convincing and he takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. “We need you to get tested, I’ll be fine. This isn’t about me.”

Jess studies him for a moment, but before she can say anything, a nurse calls her back. “You wait here. Or go get some air,” She says quietly, squeezing his leg before she follows the nurse.

For a minute, Justin thinks about going to sit outside. Let the breeze hit his face, where hopefully breathing would be easier. But he feels glued to the chair, legs lead when he tries to move them.

He thinks about texting Lainie. Telling her that he can’t do this. The guilt is eating him alive, he should’ve just stayed home after his doctor’s appointment. Or maybe he could text Clay. He could tell him that he’s scared that Jess is infected and it’ll be his fault and he’d really like it if he came to the office and picked him up while Jess is back with the nurses.

But both of those are cowardly, he thinks. He could’ve ruined Jess’ life. He could have changed everything for her in a way he never meant to. And if he walked out while she was getting tested, what kind of friend would he be?

But the wait is agonizing. Minutes tick by. The older woman looking at him had been called back, leaving a middle aged man in her place. He’s engrossed in his phone, but Justin can’t move. He watches the soap opera on the TV, listens to the quiet conversation of the couple beside him, and the clock ticks tauntingly on the wall he’s leaning against.

The door back to the exam rooms opens, and Jess returns. There’s papers in her hand, she smiles politely at the receptionist and speaks with her quietly, and then walks back to where Justin is still sitting, unable to stand up from the chair he fell into what feels like hours ago.

Jess sits down beside him. “It was negative,” She whispers, reaching over and taking his hand. She laces their fingers together, squeezing. “You okay?”

The relief floods over him. “Better now,” He admits, staring at their hands until they blur. “You’re sure it’s negative?”

“Definitely,” She nods. “They gave me papers of symptoms to look out for in case it onsets later. But the rapid test was negative, and since it’s been a while since you and I were together, they think I’ll be okay. That we’re past the point of infection.”

Nodding, Justin glances at her hand. “That’s a lot of papers for symptoms. I didn’t have that many.”

Jess laughs, turning her hand over. “The other packet is a guide. For how I can help you,” She mumbles. “I know I can just talk to you directly, and I will, I promise. But it’s nice to know other ways I can help you, too. And maybe we can look through it together?”

Justin takes a breath. There’s a fluttering in his chest, one that hasn’t been there before, and he doesn’t know how to make it stop.

He squeezes Jess’ hand a little tighter, shifting. “We can, I just… not yet.”

“Okay, yeah,” Jess nods immediately. “When you’re ready, we’ll go through it.” She gives him a minute, watching carefully until he seems to calm down. “Do you think you’re ready to go? Or do you need more time?”

“I’m ready,” He nods, and somehow wills himself to stand up. He walks beside Jess back to her car, collapsing into the passenger seat and putting the window down. “I’m sorry I was fucking lame in helping you today. I should’ve been better.”

Jess looks over, waiting to pull out of the spot. “You were fine, Justin,” She promises. “You were diagnosed a few days ago. This is all so new for you, you’re still processing it all, and that’s okay. The fact that you even came at all means more than anything to me.”

Nodding, Justin leans back against the seat and watches the familiar streets pass by on the way home. Jess sings along to the radio, and when she pulls out in front of the Jensen’s, she turns to look at him. “You okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” He nods. He smiles, turning to look at her. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Sure,” She smiles, cupping his face in her hand. “Everything will be okay,” She whispers, pressing her forehead to his.

“Thank you,” He whispers, pulling away.

The walk up to the front step seems never ending, and by the time he reaches the front door, he’s out of breath, his legs shaking.

Lainie does an excellent job of not acting like she’s been waiting for him in the dining room when he walks inside. She glances back at her briefs, looking up when he walks in and collapses on the chair beside her.

“Jess was negative,” He breathes, feeling himself relax.

“Oh honey, that’s good news,” Lainie smiles, relieved. “How are you taking it?”

“I’m glad she doesn’t have it,” Justin replies, as if it’s the most obvious thing. “I could’ve ruined her life.”

Lainie sets her pen down. “Justin, love, do you believe that your life is ruined because you have HIV?”

Justin sinks further down in the chair, sighing. He tries to think of an answer that won’t upset Lainie, but one never comes.

“Justin,” Lainie begins. She reaches forward, resting her hand on his. “You are no less of a person because you have HIV. You are no less mine and Matt’s son, or Clay’s brother. You are still Justin. The boy who is so funny, smart, and sociable. You’re the same boy who loves to push the boundaries, loves giving his parents minor heart attacks when he breaks curfew. The same boy who would save his brother’s life with absolutely no hesitations. And HIV doesn’t take any of that away from you.”

“Everything has to change,” Justin whispers. His voice wobbles, tears filling his eyes when he manages to look up at her. “I read side effects of the medication. People feel really sick on it sometimes. And they have trouble sleeping, or they… they get depressed. Lainie, what if I have all of those side effects?”

“Hey, Justin, I need you to breathe,” Lainie says, leaning forward. “Deep breath, and then we will continue this conversation when you’ve calmed down.”

Justin obliges, taking a few deep breaths until his heart no longer beats rapidly against his chest and his head is no longer swimming upstream with worry.

“I don’t want you looking up medications or side effects without Matt or I there to read through them with you,” She begins, making the executive decision. “Not because we don’t trust you, but because every medication has scary side effects listed. Come here, look at Clay’s anxiety medication.”

Moving to see Lainie’s computer screen, he watches as she pulls up the side effects. “See these side effects? Nausea, dry mouth, dizziness, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite,” She lists a few of them, looking back to her younger son. “Have you seen Clay struggle with any of them long term?”

Reading them over once, Justin shakes his head. “Just in the beginning. When he first went back on meds.”

“Right,” Lainie confirms. “And you may have side effects when you first start the medication. If they last longer than a few days, we’ll call Dr. Walsh and discuss finding a different medication that won’t be as harsh on you. But sweetheart, Dr. Walsh wouldn’t have prescribed the medication if he wasn’t absolutely sure that the positives of the medication outweighed the negatives.”

Justin nods, chewing on his lip. Lainie lets the information settle in.

“It’s okay to be scared, Justin,” She reminds him gently. “It’s okay to worry about what your future will look like or what comes next. But I promise you, you’re not in this alone. We are not going to leave you to figure this out for yourself. You don’t have to go to the doctor appointments alone until you’re ready. And your future is every bit as bright as it was before we had this diagnosis.”

Justin takes a shaky breath, leaning his head against her shoulder. “I love you.”

Lainie presses her lips to his hair, breathing in. “I love you too, Justin.”

It’s all he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so glad you guys are enjoying this! i can't wait for you to read the rest :)
> 
> thank you for all the comments/kudos/even just reading!
> 
> see you on Sunday! :) <3 <3 <3


	4. Ups and Downs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin begins the medication and feels the side effects

The side effects of the medication start after the second dosage.

Justin is exhausted. Falling asleep on the sofa in the sunroom mid-morning on Saturday, Lainie tosses a blanket over him, feeling his forehead.

She read through the packet of side effects to the medication meticulously before giving Justin his first dose on Thursday evening. Discussing directly about the side effects and deciding as a family that Justin was fine to sleep in the outhouse, Justin takes his first does of his antiretroviral to help lower his counts.

He makes it through school on Friday, insisting the following morning that he’s fine to be there. Lainie texts him throughout the day to check in and promise that if he wants to come home she’ll come get him, but he replies that he’s fine and he’d like to try to finish the day.

The second dose seems to be the one that wipes him out. He’s pulled out of bed Saturday morning by Clay, who enforces that he has to eat something. Justin obliges, and then promptly falls asleep in the sunroom. Lainie worries, naturally, but manages to hide her feelings until Justin is asleep and Clay is back in the outhouse working on homework.

“I just have this fear that he’s going to have the worst side effects or this won’t be the medication that works for him, and we’re going to have to start this process over with a different medication,” She confides in her husband, drying off the dishes used at breakfast and putting them away.

Matt nods, scrubbing the leftover food residue off the serving plate. “We just have to take this one step at a time. Right now he’s just exhausted. That’s a minor side effect, we can manage that. We’ll watch for other symptoms, and if he has any that Dr. Walsh told us would need further intervention, we’ll take appropriate steps.”

Lainie nods, putting the last of the dishes away and leaning back against the counter. “I don’t know how to look our son in the eyes and give him hope for the future,” She admits, the one fear she was almost too scared to say for the last week now finally out in the open. “I know he’s going to be fine, logically I know that we’re going to get him to be undetectable and he’ll be able to live a perfectly normal life provided he keeps up with his medication. But it’s so hard right now to find that hope. To see that far in the future and convince our son that we’re going to get there.”

Matt turns to his wife, stoic. “All we want is for our sons to be healthy,” He says, taking a step closer. “And right now, for all intents and purposes, Justin is not well. He’s sick, he has HIV, and it’s incredibly scary.”

Taking another step forward, Matt pulls his wife against his chest. “But we have facts to confirm that we know he’s going to be okay. He’s on a medication that will lower his viral load and help him become undetectable. We have a list of therapists and support groups for teens that we can explore and look into once we get adjusted to the medication. And maybe the most important thing, Lain, is that he has us. And we are not going to waver in our support for our son, who needs us now more than he ever has since he’s come to live with us.”

Lainie wraps her arms around her husband, squeezing as she nods against his chest.

Matt will get her through this. He will somehow get them all through this.

—

Justin sleeps through most of the afternoon, stirring when Lainie gently rubs his shoulder. “Hi, sleepyhead,” She smiles, brushing her fingers through his hair. “Matt is almost done making dinner. Feel up to eating?”

“‘m not hungry,” He mumbles, stretching out and wincing.

Lainie watches, resting her hand on the sofa. “What’s wrong?”

“Achy,” He sighs. “‘m fine.”

Lainie frowns as she feels his forehead. “You’re warm,” She sighs. “Wait here, I’m going to get the thermometer.”

She’s gone before Justin can stop her, reappearing a few moments later and pressing the thermometer into his ear, frowning. “A slight fever.”

“Do we have to call Dr. Walsh?”

Lainie looks back up to her son, shaking her head. “Not yet, no. You’re hovering just around a true fever he told us to watch for, but I think you’re okay,” She explains. “But I do need you to eat a little something, just so you can take your medication. Even if it’s just soup or some toast.”

Justin sighs, pushing himself to sit up. “If I have to, then I want soup I guess. It’s less filling.”

“Okay,” Lainie nods. “Do you want to join us at the table, or eat here?”

“Table,” Justin replies after a moment. “I need some sort of human contact. I’ve been sleeping all day.”

Lainie hovers as he stands up, resisting the urge to reach out and steady him as he gains his bearings. Together they walk to the kitchen, and Justin sinks into his normal seat as Lainie moves to make him soup.

“You doing okay, kid?” Matt asks, turning back from his position at the stove. “I texted Clay, he should be in in a few minutes.”

“Just feel really achy,” Justin shrugs. “And I’m tired, but Lainie says I have to eat to take the medicine.”

“He’s running a slight fever,” Lainie informs her husband, smiling when he moves to let her use the remaining burner for Justin’s dinner. “Nothing to be concerned about quite yet, though.”

“Then this soup will definitely help,” Matt offers. “Lainie is right, you do have to eat something to take the medication. We can’t get off schedule this early in the game.”

Justin nods, leaning back in his chair and smiling at Clay when he walks through the back door.

“You’re alive,” Clay remarks, sinking into his own seat and looking back at his brother. “I was beginning to think you were going to sleep through until tomorrow morning.”

“Have to take my meds,” Justin reminds him. “Which means I need to eat something, which pretty much sucks.”

“Eat half,” Lainie compromises, setting the soup down in front of her youngest. She returns with Justin’s pill, setting it next to his bowl. “Then you can go lay down or watch a movie.”

Matt serves the rest of them their dinner, sitting down at the table. Justin lets the conversation about work and meetings and plans they could make in a few weeks float around him, eating his soup slowly and taking his pill before he overthinks it.

“Can I go lay down?” He asks, showing to Matt and Lainie that he ate most of the soup and took his medication.

Lainie smiles, swallowing her bite of dinner. “Put your bowl in the sink, I’ll do the dishes. Then yes, you can go lay down.”

Justin nods, putting his bowl in the sink and disappearing out of the room. Clay watches him until he sinks back down on the sofa in the sunroom, turning back to his parents. “Is he like, okay?”

Matt and Lainie share a glance. “He’s not feeling well. He has a low-grade fever. Nothing to be worried about, but he’s achy and tired and your father and I agree it’s best if we just let him keep sleeping.”

“Is he staying in here tonight?”

“We haven’t asked,” Matt replies. “If he’d like to, he can stay in your old room. But I’m sure he’d be okay in his own bed.”

“How long are these symptoms going to last?”

“It’s impossible for us to know, honey,” Lainie smiles sadly. “It could be just this weekend, or it could be a few weeks until he feels totally adjusted and back to his normal self.”

“Will he stay home from school the entire time?”

“No,” Lainie says. “As long as he’s not running a fever and he can stay awake, we’ll be sending him to school. Maybe that means he’s home on Monday, but we don’t anticipate him being home long-term.”

Clay nods, taking another bite of his dinner. Matt lets the silence permeate for a minute, and then looks back to his son. “Clay, are there questions that you have about Justin’s diagnosis? Anything that we can answer for you now that he’s begun taking medication?”

Clay lets the question sink in for a moment, taking a bite of his dinner. When he finishes, he looks back between them. “How long will it take to make him undetectable?”

“A few months,” Matt smiles. “He needs to keep up with this regimen every day. Always take the pill at the same time with dinner, and we will start to see it work. He’ll go back and meet with Dr. Walsh in a few weeks to be sure that this medication is the right one for him.”

“And if it’s not?”

“We’ll start a different medication. One that will hopefully work,” Lainie offers. “Clay, all you can do is be there for him. Let him talk when he feels up to it, help him with what he needs while he adjusts to the medication. It’s all any of us can do, really, but your father and I will focus on the medications and doctor appointments, and that’s not something you need to even think about.”

Standing up from the table, Lainie fills a glass of water and hands it to her son. “Go get him to try to drink this. Be nice, please. Be patient, don’t fight with him or force him to do it. And then you can ask if he wants a popsicle or ice cream or something else. I’ll come check on you guys in a few minutes.”

Clay nods, standing up and bringing his plate to the sink before taking the water from his mom’s hand. Lainie waits until she can hear both boys talking quietly in the other room before clearing the table, sighing.

“We knew this was going to be hard on all of us,” Matt says quietly as he moves to stand next to his wife. “Clay is so protective of Justin, and right now it’s like nothing he does helps. Justin is sick and we have to give the medicine time to work. The medicine is the thing that’s making him feel like this too, which is a vicious cycle for all of us. That would be hard on anyone.”

Lainie nods, taking a shaky breath. She can just barely hear Justin and Clay talking in the other room, turning back to see Clay sitting on the floor in front of his brother, the glass of water being passed between the two of them.

“I may not know how we’re going to get to the other side of this whole ordeal,” Matt begins, standing behind his wife and wrapping his arms around her. “But I know we absolutely made the right decision by adopting him. He is one of the best things to ever happen to us.”

“He is,” Lainie agrees immediately, leaning back against her husband.

That much she knows for sure.

—

Clay sits cross-legged on his bed, hands folded in his lap as he watches his brother toss and turn in his bed opposite him.

“Stop staring at me,” Justin mumbles, turning onto his side to face his brother. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine,” Clay reminds him, sighing as he turns to stretch out his legs. “I’m worried about you.”

Justin sighs. “I don’t want you to worry,” He says quietly. “I’ll be okay. I feel better than I did earlier. I just… I need to sleep. Or at least try to.”

“Do you want anything?”

Justin hesitates. “Can you get me some water?”

Eager to be given something to do, Clay stands and gets Justin a glass of water, bringing it back. He hands it to his brother, retreats back to his bed, and faces him. “You can always tell me how you’re feeling. You don’t have to sugarcoat things or hide it.”

Justin nods around a sip of water, looking back to his brother. “I don’t know how I’m feeling, and that’s what’s so hard about telling you,” He admits. “It’s like I’m numb. I don’t feel like it’s real. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life, or this is all some horrible dream that I’ll wake up from and we’ll go to school and I’ll be fine. I don’t — do you think it’ll ever feel real?”

Clay nods. “I think eventually, yeah, it’ll feel real. And maybe it’ll take a little while, but I think one day you’re going to look and realize that you have this, and you’re living with it, and you’re going to survive.”

Justin nods. “I worry that I won’t. That I’ll slip off my meds by accident, or nothing will work. And then I’m going to be left as this shell of who I was before.”

“Mom and Dad aren’t going to let that happen,” Clay says. “I’m not going to let that happen. We’re going to make sure you take your meds and they keep working, and we’ll go from there. You’re not alone in this. You’re never alone.”

Reaching for his water glass, Justin lets the silence come over them once more. “How do I tell our friends? How do I say that I have this disease, I want to be treated normally, and I’m the same Justin?”

Clay contemplates his answer. “You just have to be honest. Be clear that you want to be treated normally, that you’re not going to die and you’re fine, and insist that they are being told because you don’t feel ashamed by this,” He says. “But Justin, you don’t have to tell them now, or ever if you don’t want. You’re not tied down by some imaginary timeline where you have to tell them or it’ll be too late. You do things on your own time, in your own way, and if you want me there, I’ll be there.”

“I’ll want you there,” Justin says softly, sinking back down against his pillow. “What if they judge me, or look at me differently?”

“Then fuck them,” Clay says, smiling when he gets a laugh out of his brother. “Anyone who can’t see that you’re the same Justin and you deserve to be treated that way isn’t a friend you want in your life.”

Justin nods, pulling the blankets back up. “Thanks, Clay,” He mumbles, parting his eyes. “I’m going to try to sleep.”

Clay nods, flipping his own light off. “Wake me up if you need anything. I love you.”

Justin nods. “I love you, too.”

Clay waits for Justin’s breathing to even out before falling asleep himself.

—

“Clay.”

_“Clay.”_

Clay is startled awake by Justin’s strained voice, flipping on the light between their beds and turning to look at his brother.

Justin is covered in sweat, eyes wide and bleary as he looks at his brother. “I feel like I’m dying.”

Clay kicks the blankets off his legs, jumping up and moving to feel Justin’s forehead. “Fuck, you’re burning up,” He mumbles, retracting his hand and shifting his focus to his brother. “Okay, we need Mom and Dad. Can you stay alone in here for a few minutes while I get them?”

Justin shakes his head. “I want to go inside,” He mumbles, leaning up. “The room is spinning. It hurts. Clay, please.”

“Okay, okay,” Clay sighs, pushing his shoes on his feet. “Okay, lean against me. We’ll walk slow.”

Justin nods, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and standing up. Most of his weight is against his brother, and together they slowly move out of the outhouse and through the backyard.

“‘m gonna fall.”

“I won’t let you fall,” Clay assures him, carefully helping him up the steps as he hastily unlocks the door with his key. “We just need to get to the sofa, and then I’ll get Mom and Dad.”

Justin groans, head falling against Clay’s shoulder as they walk through the kitchen and into the living room. Clay helps him lay on the sofa, grabbing a blanket from the chair and tossing it over him. “I’ll be right back. Breathe, Just. They’ll help in a minute.”

Justin doesn’t answer, curling in on himself and groaning as Clay turns and disappears upstairs.

Clay gets to Matt first, shaking his shoulder with concern etched on his face. “Dad. Dad, please wake up,” He says quietly, looking between both of his parents.

Blinking rapidly, Matt attempts to have his son in focus when he looks up at him. “Clay? What’s wrong?”

“Justin’s downstairs and he’s really warm and he says he’s dizzy and I just barely got him in here,” Clay explains quickly. “I probably should’ve just left him in the outhouse but he wanted to come inside.”

Glancing at the clock, Matt sighs to find that it’s only 5:30. “Okay, I’ll go check on him. Wake your mother up for me, please. Let her know that Justin isn’t feeling well.”

Justin’s curled on the sofa in the living room when he comes downstairs, eyes shut and breathing shallow. Matt studies him for a moment before forcing himself to lean forward, pressing the back of his hand to Justin’s forehead.

“Hey, kid,” Matt says softly. “Can you tell me what hurts?”

“Everything,” Justin replies quietly. “I feel nauseous and the room is spinning and I can’t sleep anymore.”

“Okay, take a deep breath. I’m going to get the thermometer. Clay is getting Lainie.”

Justin nods, eyes parted as he watches Matt walk to the kitchen, returning with the thermometer and some water. He relaxes his shoulder just enough for Matt to press the thermometer in his ear, pulling it out just as quickly and frowning.

“How high is it?” Lainie asks, descending the stairs and turning the corner.

“102.3,” Matt sighs. “Is Dr. Walsh on call?” He asks, turning his attention back to Justin as he helps him sit up enough to take a sip of water.

Lainie chews on the inside of her lip, shaking her head. “He’s on call starting at 8,” She says softly. “There’s a general number we can call. I’ll see if they think we need to take him in, or if we can hold off until we talk to Dr. Walsh.” Lainie disappears back upstairs, pressing a kiss to Clay’s cheek on her way by.

Matt looks back to his son, pushing Justin’s hair back off his forehead. Clay hovers on the stairs watching the scene from above, stuck between wanting to be with his brother and hear what the on call doctor says to do about Justin.

But Lainie returns before he can make a decision about doing either, pressing a kiss to Justin’s head on her way to the kitchen. “The on call doctor isn’t concerned about the fever or the nausea, he said it’s fairly common after just starting this medication,” She says quietly, wetting a washcloth. “We can give some Tylenol to help bring the fever down and hopefully ease some of the achy feeling you have, sweetheart, and I’m going to call Dr. Walsh when he goes on call to discuss further.”

Justin nods, leaning up to accept the Tylenol. “I can go back to bed now.”

“Why don’t you stay in here,” Lainie offers quietly. “You can sleep in Clay’s old room or down here, but I’d rather have you where we can hear you if you need us.”

“I’ll stay in here with you, Justin,” Clay offers, finally descending the stairs and walking to in front of the sofa. “We can go up to my old room. Feel up to walking up the steps with me?”

Justin pushes himself to sit up, accepting help from Matt as he steadies his feet on the ground. “Sure,” He nods, standing up and letting himself settle. “I don’t feel as dizzy.”

“Good,” Matt nods, but he still follows Justin and Clay up the stairs, watching from the doorway as Clay tends to his brother, tucking him in and reapplying the washcloth to his forehead.

“I’ll come check on you two in a little bit,” Matt says from the doorway, although Justin looks like he’s already dozing off. “Let us know if you need anything. Get some sleep, boys.”

He shuts the door quietly, walking back downstairs to find Lainie making coffee, sighing when she turns around. “I was hoping this morning would be much smoother.”

“Me too,” Matt admits, opening the fridge to grab some eggs to make. “But it’s not nearly as bad as it could be, the Tylenol will hopefully help, and hopefully in a day or two we have our boy back.”

—

Clay doesn’t leave Justin’s side the entire day.

Dr. Walsh is optimistic that Justin is doing fine, allowing them to control the fever with Tylenol and wait out the symptoms. They were under strict instructions to take him into the emergency room if things got worse, an instruction Lainie hoped she didn’t have to follow.

So far, she didn’t. Clay convinced Justin to eat something for lunch, sat with him as they watched movies in the front room and Justin slipped in and out of sleep, and worried the closer they got to dinner when Justin would take his meds.

“Clay, honey, if he sees that you’re nervous, it’s going to make him nervous,” Lainie reminds him gently when he slips away from Justin to come get a snack for himself. “He’s gotten better throughout the day, his fever is coming down and I haven’t had to give him Tylenol since late this morning. All of this is positive.”

“But is it going to start all over again when he takes the pill tonight?”

“Dr. Walsh doesn’t think so, no,” She says softly, handing him a bowl when he goes to grab one around her. “He expected a bit of a rough patch as Justin’s body acclimated, but doesn’t have any reason to believe that this will continue the longer he’s on the medication.”

“But what if it does get worse?”

“Clay,” Lainie sighs, looking back to her son. “We’re not going to think like that, okay? We’re going to be positive, we’re not going to waver in our opinion that Justin is going to be absolutely fine, and we're not going to let Justin that we have any hesitations about having him on this medication.”

Clay hesitates, sighing. “Okay, yeah,” He nods, taking his snack and going back to sit with Justin.

—

They eat dinner in front of the TV that night, a special treat that Lainie reminds them won’t become a habit. “This is just because Justin isn’t feeling well. We will not eat dinner in front of the TV every single night,” She reminds them, but Justin just smiles and holds his plate in his lap, nodding to every word she says despite half listening.

Matt allows Clay and Justin to pick the movie, a comedy that’s almost too inappropriate to watch with he and Lainie. Lainie almost puts an end to it despite how funny she found it, but stops when she sees Justin’s smile and hears his laughter.

He’s enjoying this, it’s the one thing that’s seemed to have gotten a reaction out of him the entire day, and it feels like a win.

So she sits back and finishes the rest of their dinner in silence, laughing at parts of the movie and occupying herself through a particularly inappropriate part by taking everyone’s plate and doing the dishes.

Justin doesn’t put up a fight with his medication, too distracted by the TV to think about being nervous for what that evening would bring. He reaches for his water, swallows the pill down quickly, and leans back against Clay’s side on the sofa.

Lainie revels in the quiet evening with all of her boys, and when they all retreat to bed and Clay and Justin walk slowly back through the backyard, she finds it a little easier to breathe at the prospect of things finally taking a turn for the better.

—

Still feeling exhausted and achy, Matt and Lainie decide to keep Justin home from school that Monday as a precaution.

Matt teaches his lectures from his office at home with the door closed while Justin rests in the living room. Justin listens to the lectures for a while, Matt discussing a Shakespeare book he had been teaching his students. He emerges from his office over an hour later with a surprised smile to see Justin awake.

“Thought you’d be sleeping again.”

“Your lecture almost put me to sleep,” He smirks, turning on his side to face Matt as he sits down across from him. “Do people really enjoy learning about Shakespeare? He makes my head spin when I’m not sick.”

Matt laughs, shaking his head. “I happen to like the nuances of Shakespeare. He offers a variety of themes and stylistic choices that you could spend hours dissecting,” He offers, leaning back. “But I suspect my students feel a lot like you, and they’re merely taking my Shakespeare class to fill an English requirement. In fact, I’m willing to bet most are filling their English requirement with my Shakespeare class because every other class was full.”

Justin smiles, sinking back against the pillow. “If I had to take a Shakespeare class, I’d want it to be taught by you.”

“That, my son, is the highest form of flattery I could’ve been given this morning,” He smiles. “How are you feeling? I’m obligated to ask, for Lainie. I’m sure she’ll be texting soon.”

“I know you’re worried, too,” Justin replies smugly, pulling the blankets up over his shoulders. “But I’m feeling better. A little bit more like myself.”

Matt nods. “You look a little bit more like yourself. You’ve got your color back.”

“And I don’t feel as tired or achy,” Justin counters. “Do I still have a fever?”

Matt moves around the coffee table, reaching for the thermometer to use in Justin’s ear while he presses the back of his hand to his forehead. “Your temperature is a little high, but we are close to breaking 100 degrees, and I think that is good enough to celebrate your adjustment to the medication,” He says, showing Justin the thermometer for good measure.

Justin nods. “So what happens now?”

Matt moves back to the chair, looking back to Justin. “If you feel well enough tomorrow morning, you’ll go back to school. You’ll continue taking the medication, we’ll go back and see Dr. Walsh in a few weeks to be sure it’s working, and we’ll take things day by day. All we can do is take things as they come. Looking too far into the future can bring up unnecessary anxiety.”

“Okay,” He replies. He’s quiet for a moment, staring down at the coffee table. “But the future… will I be able to go to school? Like say I wanted to go to Sanderson and take your Shakespeare class, could I?”

Matt tilts his head, watching his son. He suspects Justin knows the answer, but his words are strained, searching for reassurance or a constant reminder that he’s okay. “Justin, this diagnosis doesn’t hold you back in any way. If you felt comfortable, you could even go away to school,” He says softly. “While I’m flattered you’d consider sitting through my Shakespeare class, the sky is the limit for you, kid. And Lainie and I will support you in whatever you want to do.”

“And the only people that ever have to know that I’m HIV positive are the people it will impact.”

“Correct,” Matt nods. “Which means explaining it explicitly before sex, no matter if you’re undetectable or not.”

“Okay,” Justin nods. “You really think I could go to school away from home? Live in the dorms?”

“Sure,” Matt nods, smiling. “If that’s what you wanted, then of course you could do it. Lainie and I would love for you to do what you feel most comfortable with.”

“I’d be responsible for my medication.”

“Well, yes, but in a few weeks when you’re more adjusted you’ll be responsible for it here, too,” He reminds him. “So that won’t be a huge transition.”

Justin nods, sitting up. “I know there’s a lot of things that change with me because of this. But I’m — I think I’ll be okay. I know you guys are going to help.”

“You’re always going to have us,” Matt confirms. “Whenever you need us, at whatever time. We are there for you, I promise.”

Justin turns to stare at the ceiling, nodding.

“Justin, kid,” Matt begins again, moving around the coffee table and sitting on the edge of the sofa. “I know that you’re scared. I know that there is a lot that you don’t understand or maybe don’t even know how to ask. The future seems daunting, the medication has been rough to start, and you’re worried that this changes everything. But can I tell you something?”

“What?” Justin asks, voice shaky as his chin wobbles.

“No matter what, you are still my son. You’re still the boy who can make anyone laugh, who’s not afraid to be sensitive and vulnerable, and would do anything for anyone, no questions asked. And there is no diagnosis that could take that away from you, or make me love you any less.”

Justin nods, sitting up and pressing his head hard against Matt’s shoulder. Matt sits there, rubbing his back and calming him down, positive that this is what Justin needed to feel like maybe things really would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! i'm floored at how much you guys are enjoying this
> 
> i never ever thought this story would get this kind of reaction, but i'm so glad you're all enjoying it!! i can't wait for you to read the final chapter :)
> 
> see you on Tuesday!


	5. Optimism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a look into the future for Justin and what it means to live his life with HIV.

The first six months post-diagnosis pass by in a whirlwind. It’s give and take, touch and go, and constant ups and downs.

Justin began seeing Dr. Bennett, a therapist who specialized in speaking with patients who have HIV, every week to process the diagnosis, speaking candidly about his fears and understanding of his diagnosis in ways that he couldn’t express to Matt, Lainie or Clay. It was good for him, he decided, forcing him to process the diagnosis and the grief he initially felt over his health in the beginning.

“I know logically that I’ll be okay, that HIV isn’t a death sentence anymore. But then I think about telling people and being open about it, and I start to freak out that no one will ever look at me and just see Justin,” He explains one evening, folding his hands together.

Dr. Bennett leans back in his chair, nodding. “There’s a stigma around HIV, despite our knowledge that with treatment it can be managed and you can live a normal and full life,” He says, looking back at Justin. “I suspect that initially you would only want your close friends and any potential partners to know?”

“For now, yeah,” Justin nods. “Maybe with time I’d feel more comfortable being open. But right now, I’m not ready for the world to know.”

“I’d like to believe that any friend you trust telling this diagnosis to is a friend who will understand your apprehension with this being public knowledge. That they will treat you exactly the same as they always have, and will understand that you are the same person as you were before you were diagnosed. Maybe that’s being optimistic, but do you believe your friends will all have this mindset?”

Justin thinks about it for a moment, shrugging. “I think all of them would understand, yeah.”

“Do you think they would treat you different?”

“Maybe in the beginning,” He sighs. “But that’s normal, isn’t it? I mean I don’t really think they’re expecting to hear their friend has HIV.”

Dr. Bennett nods in agreement. “You’re right, this isn’t necessarily something they’re expecting to hear,” He says. “How do you think you would handle it if after a certain amount of time they keep treating you differently?”

“Talk to them,” Justin shrugs. “When I tell Clay things and he gets too overprotective or treats me like I’m made of glass, I just set it straight with him. It always works.”

“It works for Clay, but will it work for everyone else?”

Justin hesitates. “Maybe, yeah. But if it didn’t, I would just talk to them and ask what they need from me to just treat me like a normal person.” 

“So you’ve thought this through,” Dr. Bennett smiles. “I’m happy with these arrangements, Justin. I think you’re looking out for your mental health, while also understanding that this news isn’t going to be something your friends thought they would hear.”

Justin nods, letting Dr. Bennett steer the conversation for the remainder of their time.

—

There are nights where Justin doesn’t sleep, doctors appointments consuming his mind as Clay sits up with him, both boys staring at their ceiling from their own beds.

“The papers they gave us say it’ll take three to six months to be undetectable,” Justin thinks out loud one evening after a doctor appointment, sighing.

“And today was your three month follow-up,” Clay reminds him. “Your counts are going down, that’s a good thing. It means the medicine is working, and with time it’ll make you undetectable. We just have to be patient.”

“I think we both know patience isn’t exactly my strong suit.”

“You’re going to have to learn it,” Clay retorts, and neither is surprised when the conversation comes to an abrupt halt.

—

Four month and five month check-ins don’t come with the news Justin had been hoping for, either.

While his viral load is going down, it’s still not quite undetectable. Dr. Walsh senses his disappointment at the five month checkup, moving his chair back in front of Justin on the exam table.

“I know this is frustrating, Justin,” He offers, leaning forward. “But I’m very optimistic that we’re trending in the right direction. You’re viral load is close to being undetectable, and I see no reason why next checkup won’t bring the news you’re looking for.” 

Justin nods, fiddling with the ends of his shirt sleeve. “And then once I’m undetectable, where do we go? I stay on this medication?”

“Right,” He nods. “You’ll stay on this medication to keep you undetectable and to keep your CD4 counts up. Our appointments will go from every month to about every three months, and you can keep living your life as normal. I hear you’re back at basketball?”

Justin nods. “I’m being careful about cuts and blood, and the coaches and trainers know about my diagnosis so they can help me if I need it and not put anyone in danger.”

“Good, I’m glad,” He smiles. “Sports will be good for you. Hanging out with friends, being a normal 17 year old are all things you should be doing. Do you have any questions on things moving forward?”

“Can I play football in the fall?” He asks, forcing himself to look up at Dr. Walsh. “I know you said sports are fine and football is a long ways away, I just want to know if I’ll be able to do everything.”

Lainie watches Justin process the question he just asked, Dr. Walsh smiling back at him. “Justin, you are free to live your life as a perfectly normal person,” He says softly. “There’s nothing that you can’t do because you’re a man living with HIV. And that includes playing football.”

Justin nods.

“I know football is quite a while away, but as long as you’re healthy and you’re keeping up with your medication, I’m not going to tell you that you can’t do something. I just need you to believe that you can do it, too.”

Justin lets the information sink in, thanking Dr. Walsh as he follows Lainie back out of the office with hopes that the next appointment has the news he wants to hear.

—

The six month appointment brings the news that Justin had been waiting for, but didn’t think he’d ever get to hear.

“I went over your labs, and Justin, your viral load is undetectable,” Dr. Walsh smiles, looking through Justin’s charts. “This has been a long time coming for you, and I know it hasn’t always been easy to get here.”

Justin’s unable to keep the smile off his face. He folds his hands together, sitting up a little straighter than he ever had before. “What happens now? Like, where do we go from here?”

Dr. Walsh smiles. “First, we celebrate this milestone,” He begins. “Then, you keep taking your medication. I’ll see you back every three months for labs to make sure you’re still undetectable, your CD4 count remains high, and you’re responding to medication. Next time I see you we’ll make sure you’re not becoming resistant to the medication, and we’ll continue testing for underlying infections you may be susceptible to.”

“Do you think I’ll have any of those?”

Sensing the worry, Dr. Walsh immediately works to deescalate the situation. “I do not,” He says firmly, looking at him. “We typically don’t see medication resistance for quite a few years. And as long as you take care of yourself, just as you normally do, I don’t think we’ll see any infections. But if you do get sick, you need to call me.”

Justin nods in understanding, smiling as Dr. Walsh shakes his hand. “I’ll see you in three months. Keep taking your medication, keep taking care of yourself, and call me if you need anything.”

“Thank you for everything,” Justin says quietly, smiling. “I didn’t think we’d ever get here. But you never stopped answering my dumb questions or assuring me it was fine.”

“No question is dumb when it comes to your health,” Dr. Walsh assures him. “I have so many patients come see me, some who are much older than you, and they are afraid to ask me the questions you’ve asked. It’s refreshing to meet with you, Justin. You’ve never been afraid to ask me what’s on your mind, and I hope in the future you continue to feel the same.”

Justin ducks his head, nodding. 

Dr. Walsh talks to Lainie for a moment before leaving the room. Justin hops off the table, smiling when Lainie pulls him in for a hug. “This is a good day, love. A very good day.”

“It is,” He nods, resting his chin against her shoulder for a moment. When she pulls away he follows her out of the office, stopping at the receptionist to make his next appointment. 

“I know you don’t like to make a big deal about things, but today feels like a day to celebrate,” Lainie begins when they get back to the car. “How do you feel about going to dinner? The four of us.”

Justin sighs, buckling his seatbelt. “As long as we don’t have to like, make a big deal about the news or anything, then yeah, I’d like to go to dinner.”

“I promise, no mention of this milestone will be had at dinner,” She smiles. “But we do have to tell Matt and Clay. We can tell them at home, and then we can go out. Your choice on what restaurant.”

“That Italian restaurant we went to for Clay’s birthday,” Justin decides after a moment, smiling.

Lainie agrees immediately, and when she turns the radio up and sings along like an embarrassing mom, all he can do is laugh.

Even that can’t annoy him right now.

—

Sitting in the living room feels far too formal for the news Justin is about to say, and judging by Clay’s face, he feels the same way. Lainie is beside herself with excitement, and maybe that’s the only thing indicating that this isn’t bad news Justin is about to give.

“So, as you know, Justin had his appointment with Dr. Walsh this afternoon,” Lainie begins. She looks back to her son, smiling.

“We got the results of my blood test from the other day, and my counts are undetectable,” Justin says. It feels wrong saying it, like he’s living in an alternate reality, but Clay is hugging him tightly and Matt is smiling, and for a moment Justin can’t contain his excitement either.

“Oh, kiddo, we are so happy for you,” Matt says, walking over to press a kiss to his head. “We know the past six months have been a lot to handle, but you’ve done so well. It feels good to be on the other side, right? Now we know it’s working.”

Justin nods, untangling his arms from his sides and hugging Clay back. “It hasn’t really sunk in yet. That the medicine is working.”

“It’ll take some time,” Matt nods. “But Justin, this is amazing news. It’s a huge step in your managing the disease.”

“I know,” Justin whispers, pressing his cheek to Clay’s shoulder.

Sensing the boys needed a minute, Lainie mentions she and Matt going upstairs to get changed for dinner. Their footsteps trail up the staircase, and Clay makes no attempts to move.

“I’m really proud of you.”

Justin laughs. “All I did was take my medication, Clay. I didn’t… there was nothing special I did to make me get better.”

Pulling back, Clay stares at his brother. “You’re telling me that that kid I pulled off the streets last year would’ve responded this well to the diagnosis and needing to be on medication for the rest of his life? He would’ve just accepted the help and stopped being a martyr?”

Justin leans back, defeated. “That’s not fair. I’m not — I’m a different person from back then.”

“That’s my point,” Clay retorts. “Justin, if this had happened before, you would not have let us in. You shut everyone out when things got hard before, remember? You retreated back and refused to let people in to help because you were ashamed. And I’m not saying that was a bad thing, you didn’t know how to cope before, but you do now. And you realize that we’re not leaving, we’re not going to force you to go through this alone, and you’re letting us in.”

“I can’t let any of you down,” Justin says quietly. “I don’t want to let any of you down.” 

Clay sighs, folding his hands in his lap. “You being willing to ask for help when you need it is not letting us down. You letting us in is not letting us down. You being honest with how you’re feeling is not letting us down,” He says carefully. “Justin, you could never let us down when you’re receiving help, or when you’re honest with us. And if you think you need more or something doesn’t feel right, you have to tell Mom and Dad. They won’t be upset. They want to help.”

Justin nods, sighing. “I couldn’t have done any of this without you right there,” He mumbles. “I didn’t — you make me want to be better. You make me realize it’s okay to be better. I would’ve — I wouldn’t be alive without you.”

“Are you going to be annoyed if I hug you again?”

Justin smiles, rolling his eyes. “You’re going to do it anyway.” 

Both boys laugh as Clay hugs him again, savoring the moment before they leave for dinner.

—

“He seems like he’s really happy about the news,” Matt offers when they’re upstairs getting changed, pulling a polo shirt out of his closet. “How was he at the appointment?”

“In disbelief,” Lainie smiles. “He asked what happens now, where we go from here. I think for the most part, he’s worried now. For the first six months our goal has been to get him undetectable. Now we’re there, and the rest is unknown.”

Matt nods. “All we can do is keep being there for him. He’s been great about coming to us when he needs us, and we need to keep that communication open. Show him that he’s the same Justin he always has been. If he needs to talk about things, he can come to us. Nothing changes now that he’s undetectable. We keep the same routine, we make the doctors appointments, and when he’s ready, you and I back off being so protective of his care.”

“I worry he won’t be ready for that,” She sighs. “Which is fine, more than fine, actually, but I don’t want him to think he’s held back by this.”

Matt pulls his shirt over his head, sighing. “We’ll be sure to promise him that he’s not held by back by this. I think he’s starting to realize that, especially being back at basketball. We just have to keep reinforcing it.” 

Lainie leans up for a kiss, pressing her head against her husband’s chest. “It finally feels like everything is going to be okay.”

Matt nods, pressing his chin against the top of her head.

The beginning of a new stage.

—

Just as Lainie promised, dinner feels like a normal dinner.

The only difference is Matt suggests they all get dessert as a special treat, and Justin, who had been eyeing the chocolate cake at the table beside them, agrees immediately.

For the most part, Justin thinks the reality is beginning to sink in. After six months of medication, worrying that it was going to take longer than all the research indicated to see him get to undetectable was daunting. There were days he wanted to give up. To tell Matt and Lainie that he was done with the medication, done with the therapy and doctor appointments, and he was just going to live what life he had left.

But then he looks around the table. The Jensens, the family who gave him a stable home, a loving support system, everything he always wanted but didn’t dare hope to receive, loved him for who he was. And as hard as it was some days to find the energy to live with this disease and feel okay about his life being changed forever, he knew he had to do it. If not for himself, then for them.

He wouldn’t be here without them. He would’ve died homeless, he knows that for a fact. But they took him in when he didn’t deserve it, they loved him when he knows he was so hard to love, and as Matt and Lainie sat in that doctor’s office and heard that he had HIV, they didn’t run or disown him or look at him any differently.

They held him as he cried, took care of him when he was sick from the medication, and supported him when he needed it the most. They got him into therapy, sat up with him late at night assuring him that he would be normal, that he could do everything he did before.

They never stopped loving him, even when it would have been so easy. He wouldn’t have blamed them, either. He would’ve understood if they wanted to reverse the adoption or started treating him differently because he had this disease.

But they didn’t. They stayed with him when it was too hard for him to understand why.

Logically, Justin knows that living with HIV isn’t always going to be smooth sailing. He’s not naive, he’s been through far too much in his life to feel that optimistic about this diagnosis. But the one thing he does know for sure is that no matter what happens, the Jensens will be there. He knows that they would fly the lengths of the world to be with him if he needed it, and when he thinks about it the warmth spreads through his chest and he feels like crying.

In the midst of the chaos and the heartbreak of his life, he found a stable home. He found a family, a support system of his own after years of watching his friends have this. 

So, as he looks at his family, he vows to take care of himself. To be a better son, a better brother, a better person. Because even when he feels like giving up, he has them to fall back on. He knows that HIV is not a death sentence, never something to be ashamed about, and he has them to thank for it.

It’s all he’s ever wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a few people had asked about seeing their friends reactions to justin telling them he has hiv. while i didn't initially include them in this story (except for alex and jess for obvious reasons), i did write a bonus chapter of just justin telling their friends! it'll be up on Thursday if you're interested :)
> 
> thank you guys so much for reading/commenting/leaving kudos! i've been blown away at how much you guys liked this, and i'm so glad!
> 
> see you on Thursday! :)


	6. Telling.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a series of Justin telling his friends about his diagnosis.

“Do you think you want to tell them all at once, or one at a time?”

“I don’t _know_ , Clay,” Justin groans, pacing in the outhouse. “Telling them all at once gets it over with faster, but if they have questions and they don’t want to ask in front of everyone, how am I going to know that they’ll just ask me later?”

Clay sighs, watching his brother. “You won’t know,” He replies simply. “But is that a risk you’re willing to take to just get it over with faster? Having them all know at once has its pros, too.”

Justin falls onto his bed, pushing his face into his pillow. “I know some of them are going to have questions.” He turns on his side, blowing out a breath. “I’m going to tell them one at a time. I’m going to do it as fast as I can, ask that they don’t say anything until I tell everyone, and leave it at that.”

Clay nods. “Do you want me there?”

“I don’t think so,” Justin decides, looking back to his brother. “But I’ll let you know if I change my mind.”

“Just tell them honestly. Tell them that you’re undetectable now, that you’re okay, and they’re free to ask any questions that they want.”

Justin sighs, rolling to stare at the ceiling. “I’m just hoping they all take it well.”

—

_**Tyler.** _

Justin tried to make his visits to the photography classroom during lunch a weekly event. Tyler often spent his lunch period developing photos and laying out the yearbook, and Justin was genuinely interested in the process and what new photos he had taken.

It also helped ease his mind to know that Tyler wasn’t in any trouble, or that he wasn’t hiding something from the group that he felt he couldn’t tell everyone.

For the first half of the lunch period, Justin feels like he’s going to be sick. He picks at his lunch, grateful that Tyler is too engrossed in his latest project to notice that he hasn’t eaten anything.

“So, there’s kind of something I wanted to tell you,” He finally brings himself to say, comforted by the fact that Tyler just barely glances over his shoulder, humming to let Justin know he’s listening.

“A few months ago, I went to the doctor with Lainie and had all these blood tests. Most were fine, but I uh,” He pauses, taking a breath. “I was diagnosed with HIV.”

Tyler goes still. “Justin, I—”

“Look, I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m not asking you to look at me with sad eyes or pity me for having this disease,” He begins. “I want you to treat me like I’m the same Justin you thought I was five minutes ago. I was diagnosed almost seven months ago, so you’ve been treating me the same for a while.”

Tyler turns back, moving to sit across from Justin at the table. “I’m glad you told me,” He says quietly. “I’m sure this isn’t easy for you to do.”

“You have no idea,” Justin laughs, staring at his lunch. “You’re actually the first person I’ve told in our friend group outside of Jess and Alex, and obviously Clay.”

“I’m happy you felt like you could trust me.”

Justin nods. “I’m undetectable now, which is a good thing, and as long as I keep taking may meds I’ll stay there,” He explains. “But I still felt like this was something that you guys should know.”

Tyler nods, reaching for his own lunch. “Is there anything I can do to help? Anything that you need from me?”

Justin smiles. “I need you to treat me like Justin. I don’t want anything to change between us, or anything to be awkward. And if you have questions, I don’t want you to be afraid of asking me or feel like I’m going to lash out. I would rather you come to me than google them. I’d feel better knowing that you’re interested and it’s something you think you can ask me.”

Smiling, Tyler agrees. “I can definitely do that,” He agrees.

“I also need you to keep this to yourself, at least just for now. I’m going to tell everyone as quickly as I can manage, but I want them to hear it from me and not someone else.”

“Of course,” Tyler says quietly. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise. It’s the least I could do after everything you’ve done for me.”

Justin smiles, feeling the relief wash over him, his shoulders relaxing. “Thanks, man,” He says quietly, reaching for his water bottle. “So, show me the new photos you’ve been developing.”

Tyler smiles, turning back to grab one of the photos that had been drying.

One down, what feels like a million to go.

—

_**Tony.** _

When Justin thought about how he was going to tell Tony, everything felt too formal.

Justin was mostly friends with Tony because of Clay. They didn’t have any bad blood between them — Justin actually appreciated the way Tony helped look out for Clay — but it still felt awkward to figure out a way to be alone with Tony and tell him about his HIV.

He settles for meeting at Monet’s, praying that it feels casual enough and doesn’t throw Tony off into thinking that this is more serious than it is.

Tony walks in, spotting him at the table in the corner, smiling as he comes to sit down across from Justin. “I’ve gotta say, I wasn’t really expecting to be invited here by you of all people,” He begins. “Everything okay with Clay?”

“Clay’s fine,” Justin dismisses. “Great, actually.”

“Good,” Tony nods. Justin waits for him to say something else, but instead he just looks at him patiently. “Is there a reason why you wanted to meet here?”

“Look, there’s something I have to tell you, and I’d appreciate it if you kept the news to yourself, at least for now so that I can tell the rest of our friends.”

“Sure,” Tony nods, folding his hands on the table. “What’s going on?”

Justin takes a breath, tracing a scratch in the table. “I have HIV,” He blurts out, glancing around to make sure no one else heard him. “I was diagnosed almost seven months ago, my counts are undetectable now, and I’m doing fine, really. I just… I don’t want to keep this a secret from our friend group anymore. I feel like you guys deserve to know, and I’m hoping nothing has to change between all of us.”

Tony is silent for a moment, folding his hands together. “You’re right in that nothing has to change between all of us,” He finally says, smirking when Justin leans back in relief. “I think you know that me more than anyone is hyperaware about HIV and AIDS.”

And, oh. Justin _hadn’t_ thought about that.

“I know there’s a stigma around it, that it was probably really hard for you to come to terms with, let alone tell people about it. I’m proud of you, man. I’m glad you felt like you could tell me.”

Justin breathes. “Thanks,” He says quietly, ducking his head when he feels his cheeks heat up. “I didn’t want to hide anymore. At least from you guys. And I’m not ready for the whole world to know, but I feel like at least our group is a good first step.”

“It’s a huge step,” Tony agrees. “So, your counts are undetectable?”

Justin nods, perking up a little bit. “I’ve been on medication for almost seven months, and I was told I was undetectable a few weeks ago.”

“And you’re talking to people? You’re not keeping all your feelings inside like normal?” Justin glares, and Tony holds his hands up in defense. “I’m just saying, you have a tendency of just running when things are hard.”

Justin shrugs, nodding. “You’re right, I did. But I’m talking to a therapist and I’m super honest with the Jensens. Or I’m trying to be,” He shrugs. “Which is more than I’d done in the past.”

“It is,” Tony nods. “I’m glad you felt comfortable to tell me, and if you need anyone, I’m here to talk. I won’t tell anyone, either.”

Justin smiles. “You can tell Caleb, if you want. But thank you, seriously.”

“Sure, man,” He says. “Should we get a drink while we’re here?”

—

_**Ani.** _

Justin lingers in the doorway of the outhouse, firmly staying out of the way while Clay shoves their things into cubbies around their room, a lame attempt to make their space look presentable.

“Can I tell Ani about my HIV when she gets here?” He finally asks, staring at his brother when he glances back to him. “You can stay. It’s probably better that you’re there.”

Clay shoves the last of their things into Justin’s dresser, turning back. “Yeah, sure. If you’re positive you want to tell her now.”

“It’s actually been pretty easy to tell Tyler and Tony. I’m guessing Ani will be pretty easy, too.”

Clay nods, glancing at his phone before moving past his brother. “She’s here, which means you have like, three minutes to gather yourself.”

Justin watches Clay disappear out of the outhouse, returning a few minutes later with Ani trailing behind.

“Hi, Justin,” She smiles when she sees him sitting at the table. “I didn’t think you’d be home.”

“I’m going to leave you guys be in a minute, I know how much you value your alone time,” He teases, raising his eyebrows. “I just have something to tell you real quick before I leave you both to it.”

Ani nods, walking to sit across from Justin. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes,” Justin replies, glancing at Clay. “But seven months ago, I was diagnosed with HIV. I’ve been on medication since then, and my counts are undetectable now.”

He lets the information sit in the silence for a minute, and then begins speaking again. “I don’t want this to be something that makes things awkward between us. You’re dating my brother, I don’t really think we can afford that.”

Both Clay and Ani laugh.

“I think it’s important that our friend group knows. I’m not ready for the whole school to know, or really anyone else besides our group, but I’m done hiding this,” He says, resting his head on his hands. “I don’t want this to change things between us. We don’t have to talk about it ever again, unless you want to or if something changes. I just don’t want this to be a secret I hide from all of you.”

Ani nods. Justin waits for her to turn back to look at Clay, but she doesn’t she looks at him, reaching her hand out to rest on his. “I’m glad that you told me, Justin. That was very brave,” She says. “You have nothing to be ashamed of, especially telling all of us. And when you’re ready, we’ll all support you as you begin to tell more people. But nothing will change between any of us. We’ll keep everyone in line and treat you just as we always have.”

Justin breathes, nodding. “Thank you,” He whispers, looking back to Clay, who’s smiling. “I’m going to leave you guys to it,” He announces, pulling his hand away and standing up. “Be safe, children. Call if you need me.”

“Shut up,” Clay groans as Ani laughs, but Justin is pulled in for a hug by Clay before he leaves, and everything feels okay again.

He’s slowly feeling like he can breathe.

—

_**Coach Kerba.** _

“Hey, Coach. Do you have a minute?” Justin asks, hovering in the doorway of Coach’s office after practice.

Coach Kerba turns back, smiling. “Sure, come in.”

Justin nods, stepping inside and shutting the door behind him, sliding into the chair across from Coach Kerba’s desk. “I’ll just be a few minutes. I only have something real quick to tell you.”

“It better not be that you’re thinking of quitting football again,” He smirks, turning back to sit at his desk. “I’m not going to hear that. You’re going to be on the team.”

“I know,” Justin smiles. “It’s actually, um… I’m going to turn in my physical in a few days, Lainie is having it filled out by the doctor. I just… there’s going to be something on it that I think you need to hear from me.”

Sensing the seriousness, Coach Kerba nods. “You can tell me anything.”

Justin leans back in the chair, nodding. “I got bloodwork done right after the adoption, mostly so we could catch me up on everything that I missed when I was with my mom. Most of it was fine, but it came back that I was HIV positive.”

Coach Kerba doesn’t react, to his credit. But he does nod and lean back, giving Justin the time he needs.

“I’ve been on medication for seven months, and my counts are undetectable,” He continues. “I’m cleared to play sports. I played basketball after I was diagnosed, and my counts weren’t undetectable then. I just… I have to be more careful with injuries.”

“I’m glad that you told me,” He begins, which Justin is used to hearing at this point, but still finds it comforting. “How have you been doing since you were diagnosed?”

“Okay,” Justin shrugs. “There’s good days, and then there’s bad days. Sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed, or I don’t want to take the meds anymore,” He admits. “And then there’s days where I think about how lucky I am that we caught it early and I’m undetectable and doing well, and I’m not limited by this diagnosis.”

There’s a smile that spreads across Coach Kerba’s face as he leans forward. “You’re talking to someone about the bad days? Letting the Jensens help you?”

Justin smiles. “I’m in therapy.”

“Therapy is good for you. You needed it,” Coach smiles. “And the Jensens?”

Justin smiles, staring at his lap. “They’re the best parents I could’ve ever asked for,” He says quietly. “I was spiraling in the beginning. Freaking out that I wasn’t going to live, or my life had to change drastically to get through this. And they never stopped reassuring me that I was fine, or that I was going to be okay. I tell them when the days are bad, and they help pull me back into myself.”

Coach Kerba nods. “I’m proud of you. You’ve come a long way in a short amount of time,” He says. “Being with the Jensens has brought out all of your best qualities, kid. You’re happier than ever before. I don’t know that you would’ve gotten through this without them.”

“I wouldn’t have,” Justin agrees.

“If you need anything, my door is always open. You know that.”

Justin nods. “I do, thank you.”

Coach Kerba smiles. “I trust that the trainers are aware?”

“They are,” Justin nods. “They were told when I started playing basketball. They also know that now I’m undetectable.”

“Okay,” Coach Kerba breathes. “I’m proud of you, kid. Let me know if you need anything else.”

Justin stands up, grabbing his bag. “Thank you, seriously,” He says, turning back towards the door. “Do you mind if we — could you keep this to yourself? I’m not telling that many people. Charlie is the only one from football who will know once I tell him.”

Coach Kerba looks up, nodding. “Of course,” He says. “I won’t tell anyone.”

Justin nods, hand hovering on the door. “Thank you, Coach. It means a lot.”

—

_**Charlie.** _

Monday afternoons are saved for Charlie and Justin to go over the playbook, a feverish attempt to get Charlie completely caught up on all the plays before the season began. As captain, Justin decided to take over in helping Charlie to make sure he was fully prepared as this year’s starting quarterback.

“You seem distracted today,” Charlie says, flipping through the binder and studying a different play. “Normally you’re so focused on telling me all about the plays and how often we use them. But you seem a little… different today.”

Justin taps his pencil against the table, looking around. Both doors to the room were shut, and as far as Justin knew, no one was left practicing. “I have something I need to tell you, and I think I’m just going to be distracted until I get it off my chest.”

Charlie closes the binder, nodding. “Okay, yeah. Is everything okay?”

“Everything is fine now,” Justin begins. “Seven months ago I was diagnosed as HIV positive. I’ve been on medication since then, my counts are undetectable now, but I finally feel like I’m ready to tell our friend group about my diagnosis.”

“Justin,” Charlie breathes, looking at him. “I’m very glad that you feel ready to tell me. I’m also glad that you’re doing better now.”

Justin smiles. “I wish I felt ready to tell you guys sooner, but it was a lot, you know? And I feel like you already know so much about my past life, this was just going to be one more thing you could judge me on.”

Charlie furrows his eyebrows. “Justin, I don’t judge you for anything that you’ve told me about your life,” He says. “The abuse you’ve mentioned, the life you had prior to being adopted weren’t your fault. And even if they were, I would never judge you for those choices.”

Justin nods, sucking in a breath. “I was so scared that me telling our friend group I was HIV positive was going to make everything change. I don’t _want_ that. I don’t you guys to treat me like I’m this different person now that you know. Because for seven months you’ve been treating me like normal, so it’s possible to keep doing it now.”

“And we will,” Charlie stresses, looking back to Justin. “Nothing will change between us. You’re Justin. You’re my friend, and you just happen to have HIV. It’s a fact. Like my mom died from cancer, and you have HIV.”

Justin laughs. “That’s a wild comparison.”

“But it’s true,” Charlie shrugs. “It’s a fact. Does my mom not being alive change how you treat me?”

Justin hesitates, and then shakes his head.

“So you having HIV won’t affect the way I treat you. You’re my friend, and that’s what matters.”

Justin smiles. “Thank you,” He breathes, the relief prevalent in his words. “I’m only telling our friend group right now, so if you could keep it to yourself.”

“I will,” Charlie nods. “Are you… you’re talking to someone, right?”

Justin smiles. “I’m in therapy,” He promises. “I’m really open with Matt and Lainie and Clay, but I’m also talking to a professional for things I can’t say to them,” He says.

Charlie nods. “Good, I’m glad. You deserve that.”

Justin nods. “Thank you.”

“Other than keeping this between our circle of friends and treating you just like I always do, what else can I do?”

Justin reaches for the binder, flipping it back open. “You can drill this play into your head so you don’t get your ass kicked against Central this Friday,” He smirks, pointing to the play in front of them.

Charlie laughs, focusing back on the playbook in front of him. The rest of the session is lighter, and Justin feels better instantly about having it out in the open between the two of them, reminding himself there’s only one more person he needs to tell.

—

_**Zach.** _

There’s no reason as to why Justin is so nervous to tell Zach.

He’s been putting it off, ignoring the nudging from Clay, Charlie and Alex to just tell him and get it over with.

He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous. After how well telling everyone else had gone, he knows that Zach will go just as well. But Zach is his best friend, and the fear of him reacting horribly or not wanting to be friends anymore is practically eating him alive.

“I think you’ll feel much better once you tell him,” Lainie says one evening over dinner, Clay having accidentally slipped that Justin hadn’t told him yet. “You and Zach have been friends for a long time, and this doesn’t change anything between the two of you.”

“Yeah, but how do I know he’s going to react that way?” Justin counters, stabbing his chicken with his fork. “He could hear me say it and decide to never be friends again.”

“Then he wasn’t a very good friend to begin with,” Lainie reminds him, sitting down in her spot. Justin sighs, stabbing another piece of chicken.

“Look, kiddo, that’s not what you want to hear. We know that. But the only way to know how things are going to go is by coming out and saying it,” Matt reminds him. “And frankly, I think your frustration and nervousness will go way down once it’s in the open between the two of you. And that chicken has done nothing to deserve the stabbing it’s receiving at the hands of your fork because of this frustration.”

Justin glances up, smiling sheepishly. “Sorry,” He mumbles, making it a point to be much calmer about picking up another piece. “I’m going to just say it tomorrow. After school in Coach’s office before we head out for practice.”

Lainie smiles. “Good, sweetheart. I think you’ll feel better.”

—

Justin, in fact, does not feel better when he plucks the courage to ask Zach to hang back for a minute and meet him in Coach’s office. “Coach knows we’ll be a few minutes late, I told him.”

Zach nods, leaning against the wall. “What’s up? You never want to talk privately.”

Justin sighs, swinging his helmet against his leg. “Look, I’ve been putting off telling you for weeks because I’m scared that this will change things between us. Your reaction means the most to me because you’re my best friend, and if we stand here much longer, I’m going to psych myself out.”

He lets out a breath, forcing himself to look up at Zach. “I’m HIV positive. I have been for seven months, and I’m on medication that has made me undetectable. But I’m going to have it for the rest of my life, and I’m finally ready for our friend group to know.”

Predictably, Zach stands there silently. “I wish you hadn’t been so nervous to tell me,” Zach finally says. “Do you think this changes things between us?”

“I don’t want it to,” Justin says quietly. “I’m the same Justin as I was before. I may not be ready for the entire world to know, but I’m taking baby steps. Maybe some day I’ll be ready for that.”

Zach nods, leaning back against the wall. “When you say our friend group knows, who from the football team knows?”

“Just Charlie and Coach,” Justin says. “I’m not telling anyone outside of who we hang out with normally. I’m not… not everyone needs to know.”

“I agree, I just didn’t want to slip up in front of everyone.”

Justin nods. “Thank you. Do you have questions?”

Zach shrugs. “What do you need from me?”

“To treat me like you always do. I’m the same person, I can do the same things, and there’s nothing that’s going to hold me back.”

“That’s easy,” Zach nods. “But Justin, if you need someone to talk to, you know I’m here, right? I don’t judge you for this. I’m glad you felt like you could tell me, I just wish you felt okay doing it sooner. I’m not… you won’t lose me over something like this.”

Justin smiles. And when Zach comes to hug him, he embraces it. “Thank you, Zach. Seriously.”

“Always,” Zach says, pulling away. “Now, if I really know you, I know that you want to get out on the field and mostly forget this conversation happened.”

Justin laughs, opening the door to his office. “That sounds perfect.”

He lets Zach jostle him out the door as they make their way to the field for practice, feeling the weight lift off of him.

His circle of friends know, and none of them left. They supported him in ways he once only dreamed of, and all he can think about is how he doesn’t deserve this kind of love and support.

But he’s going to embrace it. He’s going to learn to accept it, to realize that he does deserve it, and slowly he thinks maybe everything will be okay.

He’s just grateful to have these kinds of friends at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so glad you guys all enjoyed this story as much as you did! i hope i did a retelling of the ending justice for all of you :)
> 
> i'm working on longer fics that i'll hopefully begin posting soon, but in the meantime, i'll still be posting one-shots in What Makes a Family [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24896380/chapters/60240988) if you'd like to read! :)
> 
> thank you guysss <3 <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> i felt like we needed some fix-it for Justin in them finding out about the HIV much sooner, so i wrote this! i hope you guys enjoy it as much as i liked writing it :)
> 
> new chapters will be every other day! so Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, Tuesday beginning here
> 
> you can follow me on tumblr [here](https://peter-covinskys.tumblr.com/) if you want :)


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